Stumble into Grace

There are times I don't handle things well at all. The stress. My body shutters. Shakes into migraines and tears, ulcers and fears. These times hurt. For the obvious, but also because I thought I was more "beyond" such reactions. What do you do when you trust but the hail still comes? It pelts hard against soul and leaves scars.

I wish I could make this body of dust rest. Even when my mind does, at times this skin refuses. So I stumble. Into pain that debilitates head and heart. I writhe for grace. Tremble for mercy. To fight for Him in a bed a tears and darkness has been my battle for 22 years. Migraines rob. And when it takes again and again without kindness or warning you have to fill. Because if you don't... Your soul starts to die. So I begin to beg Him come in the dark. I say the words that I know deep, but can't find near somehow. " Thank you. That You are good. Always. That I am loved. Always. That this isn't reality. You are. Please don't leave me alone." And He doesn't.

"...My cup overflows.  Surely Your goodness and love will follow me ALL the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of The Lord forever." Psalm 23:5b-6

All the days of my life. So today too. And all this last week. The days this past week of multiple migraines. The days of ulcers. Your sons too. The days you cant even care for your own babies when they're hurting. Heart languishes. The day when someone stole off your property and took innocence from your son. The day your wonderful farm dog got hit by a car. The day you had to bomb for fleas. The day your hubby injures bad the wrist he needs to make a living. The day relationship groans and hurts just living thru. ALL of them. His goodness pursues. His love pursues me, even when I feel lost.

I am realizing sometimes we stumble into grace. I love moments of glory. Moments when His beauty make my feet skip and heart smile. Moments I can almost hold grace. But there is more than these.  A hard beyond this. Because sometimes scales come on eye. Heart clouds, and soul throbs thick. I tried to pull out and thrive, but I stumbled. Hard. We can try stand, but sometimes the hits are too much. So we stagger, like a drunken man. It was when I was having thoughts of, " Lord, it's too much. Too much.", that His words came. 

Those words. "Stumble into grace".  

And sometimes that is the grace. That we fall into what can catch us. We collapse tired into what can rejuvenate. We faint into what can revive. God doesn't need me composed before I enter.  This is one of the greatest graces of all.

" I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of The Lord in the land of the living." Psalms 27:13

When I stumble thru the storm He takes me in. And I warm by His fire crackling. 

" For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; In the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock....and I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to The Lord." 

Vs 5-6

What peace comes. I can stumble and still win. I can stagger and still grow. I can only compose if I hide away with Him. Like a cabin in the dark woods, His hearth warmth beckons. Do you see the soft light thru the trees? Keep going friend. Reach for the porch railing. Pull up on stair. Lift weary hand to knock. Stumble into grace. When we knock, the door always opens. He promised.

Hang on. His hearth is worth it. Today is another day that you are loved. Standing tall or crumpled low. Loved. 

Completely.