Odds Aren't Good

Maybe today you are weary. Maybe today you wonder if the condition of your blind and tired soul is permanent. Like the whole of people around you have found grip and smile, but you... You can't seem to find peace. For you today... For you... Just you. Listen slow to this true.

The odds aren't good, But God is.

God is.

So what if that thing on your mind is too much. Let it be that. Let it be way too much to take on. Way to much to achieve. Way beyond your ability to overcome. Being alone, lost, and weak is this holy place where beauty begins.

The times when everywhere you turn and more hard falls... The days where you feel thankful you get a break and can crawl into bed and let go...  You are not alone. 

These seasons of pain. Of difficult circumstances. Of indescribable grief. They matter. They matter to our very personal, and very watchful Jesus. I know it feels like you have no one to turn too. Like all your avenues have been shut. That there is this ache to just be held by someone who can whisper caring into your forgotten heart. It hurts to clamour for help and find downcast eyes and busy schedules. It increases your inner scream to be remembered, heard, and seen. Truly seen. Even here, Jesus stays. Even here He doesn't anger that we ache for human hold. Because He lived it. He lived loneliness and betrayal. He lived the hard things, the rejection things, the depressing push through it things. And the beauty and comfort here? He knows we are...but dust...  He knows we are weak. That dust can't muster muscle. 

So He has become our voice.

So let the inner scream fall. Let the eyes endless looking for kindness...for the noticing.... Let them close. Maybe it seems impossible. But just stop spinning and talk to Him. He knows how hard feels. He knows how deep hurt feels. He knows how betrayal feels. He knows how crushing realities feel. He is not a stranger to torture. And He isn't a stranger to you. To your bleeding soul.

So talk to Him. He can unwind your confused, and calm your angry storm. In ways you and I cannot fathom... He can. He just can. 

And You... If you feel your greatest fear rising up... This fear that you won't feel His company. That you won't be able to touch real His friendship, His nearness... It's ok. You can tell Him that too. 

Agony is always a place to start.

See this horrid raw. This presenting to Him the great depths of our ugly... It's an inner door. It's easy to talk to Jesus about the weather you are thankful for. About the money you need provided by Tuesday. But this? This deep, ugly, bleeding raw? This is the inner door to the real of you. The very heartbeat of your persona. The rhthym of your soul... And when we meet Jesus in agony's threshold, we heal deep. Because what's the point of surface cleaning when the mud underneath keeps bubbling up. Why seal a cut with saav when the infection still festers. Agony is always a place to start...healing.

I know you want to run. 

This " let's run away and not come back for awhile"...  And sometimes a retreat is the right thing. But You... Just make sure it's a retreat that happens with Him first. That your soul has stilled at the feet of Jesus before it runs to the mountains. Because even the most beautiful of places can't cleanse a soul. 

"You who seek God, let your heart revive. For the Lord hears the needy, And does not despise His who are prisoners." ~ Psalm 69:32b-33

Take joy in knowing He doesn't scoff at your messiness. He doesn't look down on you for not knowing how. Instead He hears you. He does not despise you, even when you are in prisons made of bad decisions or unjust affliction. Prisons of pride, a crushed spirit, or just too much trial at once. So it's ok to cry out raw. No need to compose what you have been at a loss to control.

" O God, do not be far from me; O my God, hasten to my help!" ~ Psalm 71:12

Mostly. I just wanted to come tell you. That today, it's gonna be ok. That even when no one else gets it, God does. That its ok to hurt and have to sit for awhile. To let your hands hang limp, and your soul cry. I wanted you to know...Jesus genuinely, deeply, and endlessly loves you.

That room your in right now... It's not empty. He is waiting. Kneel and say it. All of it. Let go of what burdens you thick. He will give you rest.  Let your longing be quenched with what it really yearns for... Jesus.

You. Are. Loved. Much.

 

Dear Crowd

Dear Crowd, 

I have to ask you to leave now. I know I invited you in here, one by one. I know I have spent hours contemplating with you. Discussing decisions with you. Crying because of you. But this party has to be over. The decorations of "too much" and "hopeless future" must come down.

See I have only one mind. I have only one soul. Only one passion to live. And I don't want it to be tangled in you any longer. You with your voice dressed as my own. With your words cloaked in twisted truths. You, posing wise through problem contemplations, and well thought out action. 

I am letting you go.

You can no longer pose as what will get me acceptance. You are no longer welcome as my means to heal. You. Cannot. Save me.

I am amazed to see you clearly now. Posing as emotion. Wisdom. Discretion. And even Spiritual thought. I never would have let you in had I seen how you multiply trouble.

You see, dearest Crowd in my head... I belong to Someone else. He is a King. I have belonged to Him all along. It's just I forgot my soul only has one throne. And Crowded head? It doesn't belong to you.

  My mind is His. 

And each "you" I let in through little thoughts and small control attempts has begun to crowd my view. This simple view of what is true. Him. 

Crowd? He came and knocked again last week. On my worn, hopeless heart. On my tired, tangled soul. On my too full mind. I am sure you heard His knock. It silences all else, and reverberates long. His very voice can strip forests bare. He knocked to strip you. 

He knocked to free me.   Again.

I answered Him. And as I poured my weary burden out upon Him, He accepted my heavy with the kindest eyes. With mercy's hands. 

Crowd, if your so helpful to my mind, why do you deplete me? But He fills me? I weighed you against Him... And you may look more real by emotion and trial realities...but you weigh too much. You require too much soul space. Too much minds eye. You are too much earth.

I asked you dozens of times to give me more room. More space. I need air! But you never cared. Your true colors to rob me, coming out more and more. I can't seem to fight you off. You have so many "good points" and all encompassing emotions posing.

But Jesus still Saves His own.

He told me what defeats you. What changes everything. What gives Him back what is His. Simple, clear, words of power.

"Jesus. I surrender."

"Jesus I need You. More than answers to my agonies. More than perfection, affection, and    acceptance. More than a road map to foretell. Or an expectation fulfilled. 

I. Choose. You.

You are King of this soul. Guidance to this mind. And Lover to this heart. You are the answer to my "when", and to my "how".

I can do nothing apart from You.  

You are my LOVE coming and never leaving.

You are my HOPE above all predictions.

You are my SONG above all noise.

You are my COUNSEL.

You are my WAY through.

You are my TRUTH holding steady.

You are the only way to LIFE.

Welcome. Because with You... I am whole."

" Therefore, behold I will hedge up her way with thorns, And I will build a wall against her so that she cannot find her paths. And she will pursue her lovers, but she will not overtake them; And she will seek them, but she will not find them. Then she will say, I will go back to my first husband, For it was better for me then now!"  ~Hosea 2:6-7

"Thank you Jesus.  "

What lovers do we pursue for hope, acceptance, worth, and knowledge over God? Money... Friendships...Church activities... Fitness... Romance...Health...an Agenda?

Without Jesus on our heart throne, they crowd. They become toxic.

Jesus hedged up my way to bring me back home. To give me the gift of CPR...Christs Power Ruling. And while that may sound corny... It's incredible! Restored air...Life!  And I know, I will need CPR again and again until I am finally at home in heaven. This jolting reminder that I need Him. But He is just that kind. Always this calling, to let us return. 

He is God. We are not.

Oh friends, may I ask... Whose ruling you?

A Crowd Clearing

I have always loved the very word "Simplicity". There is hope and air in its makeup. It stands tall for both seeing the little things and for clarity of thought and purpose. It's one of my favorite words. 

Words. The ones we love most. Want to know something? You will usually struggle with the opposite of them. We love words we long for.

Its like a call really. Like we love words that speak something we crave. Something our soul, indeed, needs. And if you want to research your core, test it. What words do you love? Start with just one. I have found this leading me to seeing things. Praying things.

For months I asked Jesus to help me calm. To show me how to live simple. And for the past three years I have prayed, " Jesus, keep me of the seeing." Because what I love doing is also a struggle. I love seeing all the ways He loves. Recording them with pen, and saying thanks. But I have to keep this prayer on tongue, because I thicken so quickly. With worries, thoughts of what others think, self condemnation, and to-dos. And when my mind gets thick, it gets hard to breathe. And when I can't breathe, I go blind.

  I hate the dark.

It's amazing isn't it? What a word can reveal about our heart. Calling. Soul goals. 

I have lived for so long with a crowd in my head. This is what I know. I need space. Wide open space. It's one of the top reasons Jesus brought me to Kansas. It's vast here! Earth stretches out long until it kisses sky. Sunsets can be seen wide and full. Wind, strong and free, blows endlessly across these plains. It's gorgeous. And It's home. And though it's not for everyone, I know why I needed it. Jesus brought me here... To this open space that breathes...and stripped down the lies I thought about Him. About who I was. About where value comes from. Distractions had to leave. I had to come into this open space to see. The thick had to be thinned. It's apparently how my soul learns best. 

 So I rocked on a porch for hours. This city girl unable to sit still. I was used to noise. Crowds. Being known. I knew boundaries... Of the city, Of the people I knew, Of what I thought I could do. The irony? I had no idea who I was. Who He was. So He took me out, and set me down on the vast Prairie. This seemingly boundless place. I watched birds and found that I like becoming part of the quiet.  I sat out in the rain, watching Kansas skies build all Cumulous with God power. I cried under barren Winter trees and honking Canada geese. In essence? I began to simplify. 

It should come as no shock to me that He keeps having to clear my spaces. I really have a call on my life, to stay simple. What muddles my mind, muddles His voice. And that simply won't do. 

So the past few months have been tough. They have been thick with trials and hard things. Realities that seemingly trap and lack answer. All of them mangling and intertwined. Like discarded barb wire all balled and rusting. My mind was so full. I can't describe to you the level of my exhaustion. Here I was again. Blind. Craving air.

Let the thinning begin! 

My crowds? Oh, lots of things really. All of ours will vary. From health to hurts. Family tumult or maybe people in general. Fiances, curve balls, old joys coming to an end, new environments, or old things that just won't let go... On and on the hard can go...

And our crowds in the head aren't always circumstantial. In fact let's add the less obvious. Like perhaps...

What our family thinks...

What our friends think...

What our church may think...

What can I do to fix...

How can I change...

What if this...

I wish I wasn't so...

How do I become more...

What if God...

Our crowds can be this horrid mixture of hard realities and endless internal voices. Result? A vortex of terror!! Lol

And when we weigh it against this craving for peace... The void between suffocates.

Jesus is so Love. He is so determined. And I am the humble benefactor. I fill my life with control issues and bad habits, and He gently unwinds me. God of my whirlwinds and swallowing storms. I melt under His kind wing. Jesus savors the coming back sons and daughters.

Often though, before we come back, we have to come to the end. The end of trying to fix what He wants broken. The end of trying to be APART of our own answer in every problem. The end of finding worth in what we have, or what we think people value us for. The end of people being first and God being second.

It's not pretty. And it's certainly not fun.

This road is lonely. When we are used to crowds...the ones we like, and even the ones we don't... Being asked to come away can be agonizing. The Lord wants to take a walk with us. This glorious unwinding of soul. This untangling into what really matters. But the noise has to be stripped. And the life has to be thinned. Because God has to be heard. Deeply heard.

I have found that in this process, one of the greatest things I face is the question. The one that affects everything. 

"Will He?"

Will He leave me alone with all my loneliness? Will His voice be loud enough to cut through my inability? Will He be there for me when others can't or won't? Will He come through and make something good like He promised? Will He love me when I am lost and ask the ugly things?

This is where we have to pick up the sword. Because the enemy has already entered camp. And friend...he is snarling. satan wants you to question God's goodness, His character, what He has said. Because if he can get us to do this, we won't walk that dusty road. We won't take Jesus' hand and walk away from the crowd. The enemy is always in the tangle.

But. There are secrets. 

Secrets waiting for you. Treasures that are hidden. Glories wrapped up all gift. Awaiting those who take off their shoes and walk the dusty ground. The seemingly un-paved, un-traveled, no destination road... This road is the secret. 

" And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth of secret places, in order that you may know that it is I, The Lord, The God of Israel, who calls you by name." ~ Isaiah 45:3

Yup. It's dark. And all you have to "go on" is that gentle voice asking you to come. The voice that says you are not alone. The voice that promises, " I. Will never leave you. Nor forsake you." 

We are faced with seperation. From the crowds in our head or from Jesus treasures. Because let's face it, our souls cannot have two masters. We are not made to have more than one lover. What our soul makes love too, is what we worship. This isn't crass. This is raw true. And I am guilty of the attempted double grip. This strive to have people esteem me and yet have the feet of a disciple. But it always ends me in tangle. It always ends in loss and a heightened call to simplify. 

To go back to my First Love.

We all want to be anchored deep. To be strong and confident. Who wants to stay battered and tossed by the wind? You? Oh... Maybe now You feel confident and strong...because your actually holding your life together quite nicely. But know this. He says we live, and move, and have our very being because of Him. So you may be balancing your scales famously at present, and you may be keeping all your balls juggled in rhthym. But if He even stopped thinking about you for a moment, you would die. So who is really in control? There will come a day, perhaps many different days if your like me, in which He will whisper you these truths. He will talk to you like He did to Job in Job 38-40:5. ( a must ponder )

Because He loves us.  So, we all must know.

Jesus is what holds. Absolutely nothing can "be" without Him. And well, applying that to a life? Well...lets just say it blows a soul wide open. And not in the empty horror your flesh imagines. But rather in a strange comfort. This comfort in knowing you aren't in power. That you can be a mess and the world won't fall. You can be weak and love won't end. 

Surrendering to One... It's the back road. But it's the road of secrets. The road of treasures beyond measure. The undoing of all false security, and the coming Hope of the One thing that will never fail. 

"Jesus". 

This name like airs whisper. "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus." Just hear it softly. The name that awakens the essence of fullness, hope, and a future. An actual future for you that real! And it doesn't end badly. He died to make sure it wouldn't. 

So you know... Maybe that dusty road that none of your crowdies is on... Maybe it's time you take it. Maybe, like me, you want more. More than what people say about you... More than what you say about yourself... More than your fears...

More than your limitations....  Maybe, like me, you just want more Jesus. More of this hope that speaks of treasures and hidden wealth.

Take off your shoes. Walk away. Because whose soul doesn't want to come home...