Roller Coasters?
Hate them. But had to go on a few to push through fear...
And those "Lap" pool drains...the ones waaaay down there?
I had to swim down and touch it three times...
It's not that my dad was mean, he wasn't. He was my buddy growing up... It's just that he struggles with fear too. And no one taught him how to beat it. So he did the best with me he could. Isn't this true of all us parents?
The thing is, it didn't get me over fear. It built habits of anger, guilt, distrust, and shame in me. Especially when I came out on the other side of these attempts...you guessed it...still afraid!
It took me years to realize I wasn't afraid of dying on a roller coaster. Nope. Never crossed my mind. I just hate that falling feeling! And that whole realm of thrill seeking rides, is so not what I call fun. What showed up as fear, was actually just a personality bend buried a bit deeper. Pool drains made me panic with my long hair, because I had heard that story once. And that girl didn't make it. So why would I risk the tangle? But sometimes as a kid, you can't discern all the whys yet. And being forced to cuddle up to a fear, doesn't heal you at all. It just makes you feel ashamed and confused even more. So why this story now?
My son. He is just like his mama. And I love that about him. Not because I am great, but because I can relate. And experience is an incredible tool.
He had the last minute camp opportunity with our church this week. Strings of grace were pulled to get him in past the deadline. He was nervous. So nervous. See most of my little man's friends, are girls. Most of the cousins he spends time with, are girls. We have not planned this, it's just what our friends seem to be birthing! Lol. All that to say... He doesn't have many sleepovers. And he rarely is away from home at night...period. So the fact that he said yes to a five day camp?! Fabulous!
He called me a mess the first night. The dorm rooms were hot, kids were snoring, and his mind wouldn't turn off. He felt so alone and afraid. I talked him thru... And he gave it a shot, finally falling asleep at 1 Am. But by the next day he had the fear flu. The kind that anchors into your emotions so real, you can't figure out what is an accurate compass or not. He tried loving on the kids who seemed shy, playing with the friends he had made so far, and trying to think desperately of anything but bedtime again that night! Poor kid. I felt like I was 11 again. As if i was right there and could feel the horrible turmoil.
I had been thinking about what might happen since the call at midnight the night prior. I knew his tender heart mattered, no matter what my adult logic says. I knew my dads method with me didn't work at all. I also knew that Jesus had a lesson here. A personal one for my son. So I asked for wisdom and help. I am glad I did. Because when that call came the next day, I knew peacefully what to do.
Pick him up and let him come home.
Now at this point in my post, many parents are thinking, "what? She bailed him out?" I know. Weird right? I can read your mind. Lol. But here's the thing, not all kids thrive by being pushed. And if you have a tender hearted "Relater" in your home, you may be following me here. Some kids need to know they are loved when they "just can't". They need to know that they have a place even when they fail. That shame isn't what they have to carry when they give their best but still don't end up "on top".
What was important to me as a mama, was that my boy realized he had a safeplace in his parents, when in his mind, he missed the mark. This is huge. Because life is hard. And there are so many ways to fall. And when those times come to my son...or when he makes that bad choice... I want him to see, that if mom and dad can be trusted with his fail, so can Jesus. That there really is an unconditional love that stays. Even when we have to bail out early. Miss the mark. Or flat out go splat!
So, as i let God wander thru my thought process, I knew! This would call out my son's courage, and deny his shame. Because telling my sweet boy I was proud of him trying this...That he conquered a little bit more of a hurdle in his heart... That he chose bravery, even if for one night out of four... This would call out what really mattered, and put down what didn't. And in doing this, he would remember the hope he was given and feel a bit braver the next time around. Because knowing you have a place to fall safely, can make you sprout wings. It puts another little root in the ground of a growing Oak tree.
Love does that. It is listed by God Himself as the greatest. It endures, and comes back bearing the impossible things. Things like Bravery. Compassion. Gumption. Gratitude. Respect. Understanding. And a strong Discerning heart. These are traits i cannot put into my kids, but i can call them out. If I slow enough to let God untangle my habits and my agenda. God gives me these moments. This week? Yeah. I am so thankful I saw this.
Popular parenting doesn't cast out fear, love does.
Jesus said so. He didn't say it would happen by pushing an expectation on my son, making him into the image "man" I saw in my head. He said love does the irradicating! Amazing isn't it? What seems in a moment to some, as raising a sissy, can contain within it, the upside down kingdom of God! Man I love this. It is hope to my Mama heart this week.
I am no expert. I never will be. I have no secret method, or high opinion implied here. It's just that...well...
I had it wrong, for a long time. Because I worry too much about what people think. Leaning into other people's opinions on what I should do with my son...before I even consider asking God what He desires. I worry about not being a good mom like described in that christian book. And I certainly ponder way too often what both sets of our parents are thinking! But guess what? My sons soul is worth more than that. And if I want to give him Jesus and all the strength and manliness the gospel truth holds... I have to let go of a prototype, and constantly ask Jesus for wisdom.
No child is the same. They have different environments, parents, and challenges. For instance...My son has so much courage it humbles me. What he has faced with his parents, frankly, has been unfair. But this is not the kind of courage a camp counselor in West Central Kansas will see... Not if they weigh him against a prototype. This boy has faith I am convinced could move mountains. And it has been this faith that has kept his mama fighting the good fight on my dark health days. He has the tenderness needed to see the least of these... A strong tenderness that chooses the disabled or lonely as a companion on playgrounds. I could go on. As you could, I am sure, about your sweet ones. :) My point is simply this. Strength and bravery don't always look like the kid who stays at camp five days without any fear. Sometimes it looks like the kid who tried.
My son. Your son. The son of Mr. Whomever down the block... They are amazingly different. Their weaknesses to challenge won't be the same. So their overcomes will look different. And as parents, we need to stay away from pressing them into the cookie cutter of what would "impress" and "success" as they grow up. Instead would should seek out the help of their Designer. Their color hues are not a mistake, and each canvas has its own message. God intends our children for something. And if we want to lead them into thriving within this design, we need help. Desperately.
We need divine intervention! Ha!
I don't want to force my son to beat fear, by making him miserably stumble through it to please his parents. I want to incourage my son to challenge himself to trust in Gods endless love and leading. And in this instance, his parents' mercy and arms of grace told him that story. A mom who drove that hour to pick him up, opened that car door with a smile, and let him know just how proud I was of his try.
We will need to let Jesus settle our hearts over and over if we are to remember what really matters. To have Him make clear to us how to teach and call out in our kiddos what He intends for them. Sometimes down to the moment. The other option is more bleak. Raising kids to be what society calls strong, attractive, out going, liked, popular, powerful, and valuable...can just lead us to raise a bunch of confused adults with no anchor. And frankly, I want to give my kids more than that. God help me.
I want to be an asset to what God's building in my son. I want to have a front row seat to the beauty of Jesus' personal plan in my children's lives! This will require the constant acknowledgement that I cannot raise these children alone. I pray I am wise enough to know I am endlessly limited, and hopelessly in need of daily grace. And only with my Saviors discernment will I raise two strong, kind, and gracious people who love the Lord.
So. If you are feeling lost as a parent lately... Worried your not "hacking it"...
It's ok.
You were never meant to raise them alone.
Breath. :) That's what I am learning to do. My bravery will fail, but God won't. That's my gift today...And man am I thankful.
