Clipped Wings

Feathers are meant for the sky. They just are.

But there is an ancient disease threatening to wreck the church, and taint the raw gospel.

The Church is afraid of feathers. 

Birds are freedom on wing. I am learning that many Church's, and Christians, fear this. Instead of trusting the Holy Spirit in a person, we often see these wings in another's soul, as something to fear. What if they veer and go off course? What if they leave our church? What if they don't do things like we do? What if Jesus tells them (personally) something different then what He told us?

So. We clip their wings. We grab them, cut what isn't molding well. We cut them at soul level. Each hover, push, and clip telling them they are unacceptable. But that this ground bound state can earn them love. 

We make this act of preventing flight, look like a holy thing. We take their ability to fly, and we expect loyalty. We take their free, and we snuff it out. In the name of preferences gone rouge... 

But the toxic twist I hate most, is we do it under Jesus name, and under the banner of...Love. And this? It causes deep confusion. Making a soul twist in spasm. Cause it's aimed at our soul cry. This place we all carry deep, this wanting to be loved. This needing a home, a place to belong. We aim arrows there to form allegiance. To a church, a leader, a person. My greatest ache is that it tells lies about God. 

It makes a soul wonder if God clips wings too.

Because what we believe spiritually affects EVERYTHING. How we see God, how we see others, how we see ourselves... Which in turn, changes how we act, it changes what we believe we should do...can do...even with Jesus. 

It changes what we believe we are worth.  

And worth? This pulses the soul. Soars or cripples a life. Free will is this amazing thing. With it God allows us to choose Him for ourselves, but He also allows us to injure others. He allows us to pressure, cut, reject, and ruin emotions, thoughts, and identity. He has given us the power of life, and death. And this? {sigh}

                      ~My story~

My story... { breath }  I don't know how to tell it. I know someday the full of it will be required. I know because I have been given glimpses of where He is taking me. I worry because I am still stuck in believing I have to protect people, even when their wrong has affected me. There is also the hard true, that most of us have people around us who are "reporters". They see us do something, say something, and they run back to whomever, with wreckful loose lips. Or maybe it's you who does this to others? Please be mindful in heart.

Jesus doesn't need informants. He isn't mute. If we aren't speaking words that smile His name, we aren't helping.

 I am learning...will learn... That testimonies are told because of Jesus.  They aren't to be told for our own glory or furthering, just as they aren't to be held back because of protecting those that are apart of our hurt. There is wisdom and grace, but there isn't to be shame and hiding. And this is the raw hard place only Jesus can heal and guide. 

So for now, a piece. 

I am one such bird, and my wings were clipped. There are some who are afraid of my flight. I have been cajoled, manipulated, lied too, rejected, and made to feel worthless. This happening to me, has made my husband be clipped too...even my babies. After years of this I am worn. I am tired of feeling unwanted, unworthy of love, ashamed, and stained. I ache watching the veins of damage this has lined down into my marriage and family life. Of watching my husband struggle with feeling worthless, inept, unable, and unwanted...simply because He is mine. 

Several months ago I began some studies on breaking free from bondage. Studies on who I really am, because I have been won. 

Won. {Say it slow so soul will hear...}

This word feels like poetry on my tongue. There is One who thought I was worth fighting for. So He came after me. Whispered to me my value by laying down under all my tainted, hard, and wrong. Letting it be purged from me through His ruin. Then He rose up off that alter and told me I had a name. 

I have a name. 

Whispered to me like this flower of wanting... This promise of identity. New... 

Elizabeth...

" You shall be named 'House of God'. You shall be His welcome to the people." 

These studies have wrenched me open to the holy things. I have faced the lies I have believed, and broken soul ties with people I had put in God's place. A voice my whole life I had made stronger than God's...equal to God's. I have Sorrow over this, such holy sorrow. Because there is only One. 

One.

" But do not be called Rabbi ( said to those who love the place of honor); for One is your Teacher...for One is your Father...One is your Leader, that is Christ." Matthew 23: 8-10

Jesus has been peeling back layers, upon layers. Friends...it has all gone so deep. I believe so many lies about who I am. About what I am capable of with Jesus. Lies about who God is. Lies about what I am "supposed to do". Forms of thought I have believed about scripture, because of hearing it out of context, or because of pressure through its misuse. 

I began gobbling up this holy break through... I am who?! Jesus... Could it actually be? 

I am wanted for me.

Chosen individually. 

Loved personally. 

Talked to one on One.

I wear white. I. Am. Not...tainted, stained, or ruined.

I am New. 

Set apart with beautiful purpose. 

I am holy Worthy of love.

While this is sweetly wooing me whole, it takes time to undo horrible habits of thinking. It takes time to get used to what feels foreign. It's amazing how easy we "Israelite" our way back to Pharaoh,  because he is familiar. We are soul sick...and Love, God Himself,  is our holy antidote. I woke one day and He said it so plainly and kindly:

  " You are free, but now you must learn to think like a free person."

So this is where I am. Learning to stand and not feel guilty for doing so... When others scoff at the way I walk. When my motives, plan, or "doctrine" are questioned. Even talked about with others, when I am not present. I am learning to keep my feet firm and my heart mellow in His hands. 

"Stay. Stand tall, even when the storms come and hit you full on. When you feel the wind, mud, and pressure. Even when it feels so wrong...Stay. Stay. Stay."

This learning to walk free can actually feel wrong. This living a "yes" to Jesus, in MY OWN life, can actually feel defiant. 

When we live our life with allegiance to someone other than Jesus, turning our soul away from them, and toward Jesus can raise emotions in outright turmoil. Be aware of this. False realities appearing real, will rise when you are breaking free. 

We have to learn to fly again, with healed wings. Under the care of One who whispers soft and kind as He tends our feathers. " Little one, you WERE meant to fly..."

I wrote the following, to a kindred heart, when in so much pain a few weeks ago. I share this because its a coming in my soul... Of the clearer things. These holy lines showing themselves in earth sand.

~~~~~

 "This, All these years, has slowly killed us for too long. We need to be done. 

Friend...Fight against being legalistic. Know "where" you get what you believe, and from who. Legalism can kill souls and change lives. Worst weapon in the world, cause Jesus name is slapped on to it. Christians are ruining Christianity. Makes my heart hurt. Most churches, even families are forgetting Jesus. The real one. This is important sis, seek to learn it. Nate and I are bloody. We have been wrecked. And for what? Religion. Reputation. Rules. Standards. An attempt for one man to have his glory. But not for love. Love is the only antidote. The real kind. The kind in Jesus veins, and in God's heart. Not the one Christians claim but too often don't understand. We have had our value stripped, our salvation questioned, our worth trampled, our souls mangled, our bodies "stress aged", and our normal realities and joys  in marriage and parenting robbed. It is deadly. Promise me you will look into this yourself. Know if what you believe is Jesus, not what Christians have adapted. Cause what you then turn to give out, will either cause life or death... In the name you claim. Jesus'. Legalism makes us liars. Liars about who Jesus and His Dad are. About how they love, stay, reach, rescue, touch, and look upon the messy. Legalism makes us Pharisees. The very people Jesus fought against, ran from, outwitted, made foolish, and corrected. They made some of the same claims legalistic Christians make. Pharisees boycotted, shunned, snubbed, laid standards, and had clubs. But Jesus? He broke laws of His own religious culture, to touch the lepers, and look into the eyes of the whores. We tell His story wrong, and in the wrong attitude, tone, and often even reality. I am gonna tell it raw. Like His love, for all of us messy people. I am a daughter of the Gap. I don't belong to the religious, nor to the world. I am the raw girl in the middle. I am to be His welcome in these middle places. For the ones who really want to know the raw Jesus. The person, Jesus. 

First though. I've got to heal. I don't know how. Skin back on dry bones. A field locust have eaten. Stripped, but still here."

I am in a war zone. I am won, I am. But we have to learn His voice. To sense it, hear it, know it even in the thick. When the lights are out and the air is toxic...learn to recognize His rhythm. And this is hardest in the war zone of legalism. In Churches, families, and one on one interactions. 

Legalism hides. In places where laughter, smiles, and fun traditions gather. My whole life I have thought of it as the staunch people. The stuffy churches who regulate dress and speech, money given and denominational allegiance. And while it is that, it hides the worst in the normal churches. The normal looking, seemingly happy families. 

               ~Pride & Judgement~

Legalism is pride. Pride that says there is only one way, and it's mine. Pride that determines "a right" that is uniform for all people. I am not speaking of what is biblical. Because Jesus is the One way... But trouble comes when we adapt our own ideas and find scripture to back us up on those agendas. We make our preferences dogmatic and "holy". We misuse scripture, out of context, to control someone. To form a sort of loyal empire, bringing honor and accolades back to itself continually. Jesus is lost in these spaces. Judgements pose as discernment. 

~"Judgement is attacking another person's character or motives- and is characterized by a lack of love... " 

~"Pride and Christlikeness simply cannot coexist." 

( Excerpts from Grace That Breaks The Chains. - Anderson, Miller, and Travis)

This leaves no room for Jesus's art, in each of us. No room for the flower to open, the wings to fly. What of the wild free? What of the stories told by the messy people? The Mary Magdeline's and Lepers. What of the tattooed ones,  marked by redemption? Or of the addict who finally found Love that filled that void?

We judge by looks, speech, occupation, or passions. We line up, and measure, by sins committed on what level. We mark with tallys and scorecards. Only the cleanest, smartest, and most talented survive. The rest drop to the bottom and pile messy. So the church, or moms and dads, friends and neighbors, let go of "doors". People...like ripe harvest art, laying scored and scarred at the bottom of the barrel. They churn with questions that love could answer. Love, that if lived out like a story, could say the name of Jesus. If homes and hearts were opened, redemption could be shown with actual skin on it. The fact is, the raw messy are always the ripest. They have seen the pitch places and are ready for light. The stark becoming the holy. So why do we shove them under us? Why do we turn our eyes from the homeless, refuse to talk to the gay employees, or to be grace in all the rotting spaces? We pull our light out in boycott, and the dark gets darker. We are called to be salt, to be light on a hill, but instead we hoard it for ourselves. It's the Christian empires, where Jesus over turns tables. You'll find Him out in the street, robe dirty from travel, lifting the chin of the whimpering whore. Stones flying, He steps in. He calls her daughter by just holding her gaze. And yet, we turn our face from the dirty.  We forget the promiscuous have a name. That the gay movement is individual people, that Jesus doesnt want to perish. That corporate companies, like Starbucks, and Target, employing these families...need people on the inside to speak light when their up line plans darkness. The homeless man on the corner may be pan handling for booze, but kindness still imprints gospel.

                    

                       ~My Plea~

Christians. Please... Please stop this. Stop turning your eyes from the cross dressers and gays. Stop boycotting stores with people inside who need light. People inside who have lives, filled with pain, and questions. Stop judging your own kind, just because they are different then you. Dress different, talk different, read a different version of the bible, or have a glass of wine. Stop telling people how to raise cookie cutter kids. We are not God. We are not granted the judge's seat. He never said we could sit there. God is the only One who can sit in that seat,  AND STILL SEE PEOPLE, instead of issues. This seat is too great for us. And when we sit in it, we smear His name, and we murder souls. Too strong to palette? I know. Its hard to hear, but its true. There is a reason people cringe when they hear we are Christians. A reason people instantly get defensive. Now i know we have stands morally that are strong, and they should be. But we need to see the person, before we address a sin we know no background on. Cause that's what the real Jesus did. Do you see their eyes, and their soul, before you formulate your correction or a rebuttal in your head? Before you say the " right thing", do you pause before the Lord, and align your will to His heart? This matters. 

The gospel without love, isn't the gospel.  We do more damage than good when we open our mouth before we let Jesus lay His heart for a person upon ours.  No one wants to hear what they have done wrong, or are doing wrong, before they know WHO loves them while they are "yet dirty". 

"While i was yet a sinner", He chose me... He chose you,  Loved you.

                ~I Am Not Perfect~

I'm not. I am so far from it. I'm the girl who committed one of the sins Jesus says He hates. I did it repetitively. I was spiritually prideful. I spent years of my life, lying about God. I told people with my judgements, and my self righteous air, that God loves us when we perform well. When we do things just so, and abandon all sins first, especially the "dirtiest" ones. My ugly pride told people,  "You can be like me!"  I judged with my heart, sized up people with my eyes, giving advice i had no experience on to give. I made people feel bad about themselves. 

I made people afraid of God. I lied about Love.

So when i say these things, i have experience on both sides. I have been the Pharisee, and i have been the "not enough".  Jesus has produced a passion in me for Love.  Not the love applied to everything by our population. But real Love. The Person of Love. A passion for His heart, and for His open door.  

I love to imagine Jesus eyes.  When i get to go home, i want to ask Him for a playback of those moments...those redemption glances. To the Whore in the street. The Leper. The woman who had bled, with Shame, for over 12 years. The cripple who lay beside Bethsaida, lurching to be noticed in every water ripple. That moment! Can you imagine? He was overlooked. By people and opportunities to be healed. Till one day, that day... When he must have seen a shadow stand over him. Like this holy cleft in the Rock, like the shadow of His wing had come. Then how Jesus must have knelt down, raising the begger's undeserving chin. This moment...where He looks into His eyes, only his eyes.  In moments like holy hush, speaking the mattering things into his soul. Saying his name. Others were healed by ripple, but this one? He got the personal gaze. I want to see these moments replayed... i long for it.  Because i too have known these eyes.

                  ~Game Changer~

One of the greatest moments of my life was when I realized how dirty my sin was. How prostitutes and drug addicts had nothing on me. Jesus said He hated my sin of choice. Hated. I wept when the sorrow hit me. Cause we can't be doing this. This walking around giving people the impression that God is distant and unloving, until " blaa, blaa, blaa". Is it doing the greatest two commandments when I turn my nose up at the women with Meth mouth... At the guy who goes to my church I caught buying a pack of cigarettes... Or to the women at the Starbucks counter who just told me she is gay? How is it love to shun people? To tell people what God prefers above their dirty lives? Jesus walked dirt roads for days, with those even dirtier clamouring at his garments. He did. And once more, he stopped and talked to them. Had supper with them. Drew them with loving kindness. Told stories to them about His Dad. So this way of life "Christianity" has adapted, to make look a tad different than the Pharisees of yesterday? It is not ok. 

I can't be apart of it. I cannot carry my bible on Sunday and tell people lies about God on Monday. Jesus Christ has no to do list for the people. What He does have is an invitation in His hands...in the shape of two scars... And their inscription reads, " I was enough." 

I want to say people's names in public like a prayer. Telling their soul how they matter, because God has given me a heart for that. I want them to feel welcome in my presence and intrigued by my love. I want them to watch me say the name of Jesus as if He is waiting for me at the cafe table over there. I want them to trust me with their ugly, without

fear, so asking questions isn't scary. I want to tell people with my life, why I love Jesus Christ. No to do list, no right answer without missing a beat. Just a whole lot of overflow from the God who calls me friend. And the gospel? Well. I want that told through me without me knowing it, because I loved well. Just like He asked:

" And He said to them, ' You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ' You shall love your neighbor as yourself,' On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets." 

                                   ~Matt. 22:37-40

On these two, depend the whole.

So I had to tell you now. This is my story. THIS is my song.

And you? 

You're loved too. 

Just as you sit. 

Promise.