For the Mamas

Nobody really knows how much you've been up in the night. The courage it takes to walk down that hall countless times. Just to love. Love. It always makes us Mamas do crazy feats.

But that doesn't mean it's easy. Some days we wonder how we got thru at all. And why are we so tired when the home is still so messy at the end of the day. The laundry is Everest with a snarl. Your quiet place, the toilet, is alive with muck. So. You go cook supper. He will be home soon. It feels like no one sees doesn't it? No one can feel this tired linger that endlessly latches to your soul. It's hard to do what seems invisible. It takes courage to nurture the unseen. Courage. Yes. You have it. It's ok if you don't know it. He sees it. He sees your brave face when your kids ask the hard questions. He sees your brave smile as you look down into that child's face waiting in the ER... A smile giving bravery to the little ones. The fights. Between the siblings. He sees your courage here too. It's hard to teach children to get out of their own and love, cause in that moment you are struggling, tired, to do the same. When you worry that character flaw in your son will turn into a monster, God's eyes are there. When you cry because you don't know how to love the one so very different from you... He is close. When you ache hard, because you haven't had any time to be with that man...real time... Yes. He sees that too. Oh tired friend.  He sees you.  

     It's hard to silence the hard questions. You know the ones. The ones your ashamed of. The sigh when your feet hit the floor each morning. Is it possible to wake up and face the day with joy in those feet?

Is it possible to have joy, real joy, with dirt between toes and grit endlessly on counters? With children screaming selfish and a heart in you growing faint? Can I be a good mother? Am I enough for these babies? How will they see Jesus when I struggle to grapple Him reality into these moments? Questions can haunt.

     I remember the moment I realized He has never left me alone. You see I started thanking Him throughout my days. Even the hard ones. I began fighting to praise. My heart seemed happier. Genuinely. Joy...it began catching me by surprise. He began catching me. Thankfulness awakens our awareness to Him. To all the countless ways He works time, nature, and dirty house to love on me. That's when it hits. This realization. If He blesses me with provision in piles of clothes, well lived in and dirty....

If He blesses me with milk that was there for her to spill.... With shoes just their size for winter, handed down, $8.50.... With eyes to see all these wildflowers, birds so colorful, and that butterfly flitting past so grace....

Then He has to be paying attention. And if He is, He is near. So detailed means so near. I crumpled. Literally collapsing to floor. "You my God, have never left me alone!" I couldn't stop the tears. Lonely mama moments, He was there. Hard marriage seasons, He was there. Sleepless nights, He was near. I was humbled by His constancy. Then I realized it. It was me who was not there. I closed eyes to witness these graces. I chose to grumble and blow past all the love notes. All the ways He orchestrated, in detail, to tell me, " You. Are. Not. Alone."  

     Friend. Mama. It's ok. He knows you are scared sometimes. Tired most times. He just wants to tell you today,

You are precious in My sight. You are honored. Sweet daughter, I love you. (Isaiah 43:4) 

Take heart. And friend, take up thanks! It's the lense to His grace. And when you begin to see that love, endless and all about you, you will never be the same. And those feet? Yes. They can hit the floor in the morning with joy. Because its another day. Another day to know Him near.

You are loved.

Time to notice. Really.

* Take time to turn. Turn and face moments. 

* Stop the car. Why not get out?

* Notice people. Really see them.

* Give a gift unexpectedly. Watch the smile.  

* Go for a walk. Alone. In the quiet.

* Carry notecards in your car. People matter. Tell them.

* Ask that person who works at that place what their name is. Use it. 

* Tell someone else to go ahead when you're in a hurry. 

* Smile, full eyes at the elderly

*  Offer grace when you have reason not too. There is always one more fact of which you do not know.

* Say "thank you"...and mean it. 

* When that car in front of you is going way under the speed limit...don't pass them. They may have caught on to something.

* Notice the sky. He changes it daily. For you.

* Squat down and look at what children's eyes see.

* Look your spouse in the eyes. First thing.

* Take time to be honest. God can handle it. It's only a place to start.

Notice what matters. Take time to wonder. Your life's not so empty after all. Because it turns out. He was always there. In that smile of a stranger. That dusty road full of quiet. That choice to go slow. ( Genesis 28:16 )

God always has time. For you.

Chasing wonder

Here I sit. Out in this Kansas wind. Crickets sing soft. Prairie grasses sway to a rhythm I have come to love. It's my girl this time that has me moment mesmerized.  She. Three and hungry. Hungry to feel with her own skin all that is curious. She chases life, and I sit back and pray I will learn from her zest. Frogs in drain pipes...her waiting for them to resurface after seeing what they would do when dropped in. She fills bird bath with water from a bucket too large to carry. But to her, its worth it. " Mama. The flowers need some drink." She tends to them too. Her curls blow. She is all wet. But she is all happy. i wonder if kids know they are tasting grace....  Curiosity can lead us to wonder. Wonder can sweep is up into such joy. God loves when we stand in wonder. I am trying to learn to live this way. Eyes that wonder seek. And seeking His face and presence is all I want. It fills. He fills.  

     I have so many wildflowers on farm this year. Gifts left to stay from such glorious rains! Droughts do end. Even droughts of soul. I was thinking yesterday that the ditches of Kansas are very wild. Counties don't spray them to rid and gain what we think is perfection. I used to be one of those wishing they would. Then it hit me. These wild flowers would die right along with all those weeds. God loves to remind me that messes can have glory snuggled in them. Wildflowers are like that. Weeds around? Yes. Kansas has ditches full. But look through the mess. See that color? Yellow! Purple soft. White like lace. Beauty. Weeds can only hide life if you let them.

Tonight it's a soft summer night. Go out and chase some wonder. Wonder is the fringes of God. Read psalm 104. God is so intimate in nature. What joy it is to stop slow to see. Be blessed tonight. You are personal to God.

Thanksgiving is Addicting

I am learning something. Thanksgiving. Gratitude. It's Addicting. It's not just a random habit to try. It's a seed. One that when we choose to plant it, slowly begins the incredible. Life. It begins to blossom. (Psalm 145:10)

We open. Eyes lose blindness. And that rhythm...  It sings us back home. To Him. We begin to see what we usually miss. Once awake we wonder at all we have let go. What beauty, what chance to see God's heart have I blown past. I lived blind for 31 years. You can walk with eyes wide and be blind. Fill your life with sound and noise, and be deaf. God allows it. He loves us enough to give us a choice. That's what got me. Him. Working time. Sounds. Sunsets and wildflower. A Moth's wing.... For me. Notes. All these notes to show me love. To give me joy. Joy! What we all chase. It was this. Even when I walk by and don't see God... He stays. He will still do it all again tomorrow. Love is God's heartbeat. He gave His son's blood to tell that story...He has been telling it ever since. Gratitude opened my ears to the song. My eyes to such a love. God can be seen anywhere.  ( 2 Cor. 4:15 )

I am taken. Taken with this habit that has has changed my life. He is a hoot! Oh friends, what He won't do to steal your attention! Canadian Geese in a city parking lot. An oil rig. Lit up like the Eiffel Tower, right outside your back window, the week you read devotions talking about Him and you in a city of His love. Swallowed by stress a butterfly lands on your shoulder. Hurt that has left you void for too long seems to be filling with hope... Because you see, when we see Him we get to know Him more. The more we get to know Him, the more we know He is trustworthy. And trust? Well. That sets us free. 

I fell in love. With a God who says I am personal to Him. A God who is grand and powerful... Yes. He has His hands full with wars, abortion, sex slavery, and broken homes... But I think that's just it. He has a lot on His plate. But He still has time to lead me into love. To tell me, I am personal to Him. That I can laugh silly, dance long, and be in awe of what He has done... And He will be there with me. Smiling. Saying "thank you" is intimate. And when I turn and face Him and I say those words...Life blossoms. Depression leaves. Hope comes. Trust grows. Joy abounds. And God? Well, He is not what I thought. He is beyond what I quietly wished was true. He is all He says in His word... Yes. But that "love" part in there, all throughout that book? Yeah. We all have a choice to find out ourselves. I did. And friend, I won't ever be the same.  " I was blind. But now. I see."

This blog is that. A woman made of dust lost in glory. His. Join me. He is worth it.