Whom my soul loves

He is always the first up. Sometimes even the sun chases his footsteps. A normal day. 14 hours sweat. He doesn't mind the drops in his eyes. Laid exhausted for family brings him such joy. His work is hard, and his ethic solid. This man. How he amazes.

I have come to see those dirt hands so eager, as such a gift. His. Always providing. He reminds me of God in that way. Endlessly working and spinning to bless and say, "I love you".  His heart is so beautiful. His love kind. I loved him then, but adore him now. This man I have the pleasure to witness...

He laughs. Eyes all bright, with each look at his babies. Those looks. On his handsome face.... I think God looks at us like that.  Eyes that radiate warmth skin can feel. He plays with that boy, hard and happy after a long days work. Football in the grass. Tag around the yard. Wrestling on the floor. Boy giggles all joy. He builds home in his daddy's love. And I? I beam. Soul filling happy. His baby girl. Oh them together. Does she know his sun rises and sets in her? With each "daddy hold you?", his heart shows thru those green eyes. He is security. He is their safe. He is "daddy's home!", such joy and grace. He. The father to my sweet babies. That i could award for such dedication. In their daddy they have found hero.

And husband. Mine. He is favorite hobby and dearest friend. A place to cry when my world is pain. No arms comfort as his so broad.  His words. They penetrate heart like no other. He dies to his own hurt, and fights to get thru my countless migraines and the grief that ripples. Does he know he has massaged these shoulders, this heart, into knowing God full? What bridge he has been. Him helping me touch grace. Helping me get thru. 

To hear him laugh is my thrill. What times we have laughing all silly. Chasing together the truth that there is more to life than work and worry. I wonder if he knows how his goofiness blesses. When he cant stop laughing, tears from eyes.... Me finding now i cant either. There is hope in shared laughter. Grace in husband's joy full face. 

Love . Learning with hands held intimate how to touch our world with thanksgiving and watch it change. Learning to trust and walk together with open hands before a loving God, even when we are tired. This is the real love. The stay in the tough and be willing to grow together love.  Love that touches face when the other is down. Love that takes the hit when I am feeble.  His "it's gonna be ok", like saav. I have been graced with a strong one. A fighter who has gumption in spades. He taught me what authentic means. And how it blesses before God and men. He has been saving grace. Yes. He has been this. 

It is said a man needs respect as female needs love full. As I ponder these years we have had, I realize it true. I do. Respect this man. Yes because it is what God asks of us wives.... But beyond that. Or maybe it's coming into that with heart truly grappled. He has my attention. He has my awe. And always my love. I respect his tireless effort. I respect his nerve. I respect his rugged heart, the grace of his authentic.  His tender hand at home. His holding me strong.

We have had 11 years today. Eleven. Marriage can be hard, but what adventure can't? Learning beside one you love...well there is no greater joy. To grapple out God together. His fullness in the daily, together.... That's where the gift is. That's we're true love and it's grace are tasted. And I have. Again and again I have.

Today I just want to say to my man words I have come to know so intimate. Thank you. For eleven years of you. You.  dearest friend. Are joy to me. I do not regret one day of my heart effort spent with you. I still stand with hand out stretched, a "yes" on my tongue. You are my forever.  Thank you for eleven years of hard work and not enough sleep. Thank you for taking care of my heart and health as best as you can. Thank you for giving me babies so beautiful... For the privilege of watching you love them that sweet way you do. Thank you for green eyes looking into mine. For rugged hand holding mine soft. For tender words and secret joy. 

You. Dear husband. Are gift.

You are loved. Always.

Seasons

Do you have a favorite season? I love Spring. Life coming back. Seasons of dormant, even dead, make heart heavy. But Spring?! Spring is transfiguration. It's hope. Fruit of promise. Life overcoming. 

Last couple of days I have thought a bit on Seasons. It was on the first day of Fall that my ponder kicked in. Why do we love some seasons and dislike others? I admit. I feel summer should not be over. I have not gotten my fill of blooms, butterflies, colorful birds, warmth on my skin, long summer nights....  I quite literally felt like crying at the thought of winter sneaking close. Why? Why. For me it's simple. I like the seasons I can feel God's love the warmest. And so it is with seasons of my life too.

Obvious love comforts so quick. I think God's design of earth rhythm is no mishap. He knows we will always cling to the warm months. The perfect air seasons. The vacation weeks of year. Some of us even moving to warm states to assure year round hope. We are created to ache for rest. Spring and summer. They feel like rest from cold realities don't they?

But what if in our Hawaii mindset we miss out? What if there is a message in the crisp air? A gift in the freeze. Now don't scoff. I don't swallow this path easy either. But I am just thinking. Dormant seasons. Chilly nights. Frosted windows. Warm breath mid-air. They have beauty. Simply because of this. Cold seasons. hard seasons. They nurture a promise.  Growth can stump when it isn't challenged. When we worship warmth we halt grace. See...God's grace shows beauty's face in the feat of overcoming. In the power of a smile on chapped lips and chattering teeth. To smile soft when the warmth has left tells such a story. 

     My Dad once told me a story after his visit to the Holocaust museum in D.C.   I can't shake this image I haven't even seen. See he told me of a portrait. Women. With parts missing. Limbs and intimates removed in hate. Then lined up for a photo op. Heart grieves such reality. My dad said he stopped and the breath caught in his throat. Her. This woman in the midst... My dad said he will never forget... Her smile.  He said she glowed. Her countenance shown as the sun in the midst of malicious hate and all it evidence. Missing pieces of feminine figure, she smiles still. Her peace transcending THIS season. Cold? Yeah. I would say so. A horrid winter in history. But she knew Him. To smile like that. She moved my dad by her grace. She moved me... And I haven't even seen her real. What testimony her smile on cracked lips has. She is gone. Long accepted into history and heaven it seems... But her smile? It stayed. And it's affect? Epic.

Seasons. We won't ever be able to stop them. But our peace doesn't come from coasting thru with a space heater in our pocket. It comes in knowing He is trustworthy. A bridge that has held, season after season. What has He carried you thru? What grace can you trace back to His attention?

He is warmth that knows no season. When we open our hands to walk from blooms to crisp leaves... From butterflies to snowflakes... We fill warm full. Open hands allow Him to show us scenery so beauty, in seasons where beauty should be dormant. Testimonies have power in winter. Hope appears as the sun, when we smile trust.

I am being challenged with a truth I don't feel cozy with. But a true I feel ready to trust Him in.  I need winter. Winter strengthens our grip on truths learned in flip flops. If what has warmed my heart when it is 84 and perfect out, evades me in the cold, have I really learned it? I want to be settled in the One I love. But that requires challenges and training. Practice. And more practice. Seasons are a gift. Fall and winter are His hand teaching us how to smile genuine when it makes no earthly sense. It trains us to be apart of the honor of His paradoxical Kingdom. What shouldn't be, is. And that jolts people into never forgetting a smile. Wondering how she could smile, amidst all that. Maybe she was created for that moment... And every visitor who passes by with tissue in hand, catches breath. She. Is she? She is! And they'll never forget... And they will search. And God will go and reveal. And more will be saved. Her smile. For such a time as this.

God is faithful. He is a bridge that has a history of holding...it boggles mind. I am the Israelite who forgets. The dust in the desert He constantly has to call out to. "Remember Elizabeth, remember."  And just like in Joshua 4, I pick stones up so i will.  He is good. Always. He is with me close. Always. He is God in warm and God in cold. Always. He is Lord of the Seasons and all their rhythm. And I don't have to be afraid.  

So today. If you feel winter creeping in all threat, don't be afraid. The cold knows His name. It too submits to Him. Put the kettle on. Set out the hot cocoa. When you hear a knock at the door, open. He wants to warm you thru. He is crackling fire, and candle flicker. 

Winter can be 84 with sun.

A beach and a Parka. There's a story there.....

The birds

I love birds. I love their vast variety. I love their songs, and the reminder to go slow whenever I spot one. I love how they socialize and cackle all joy like women at coffee. And I have always smiled at their flight. On hard days, I ache to go along sometimes. To change perspective and rise above. Above what blinds. The birds. I just enjoy the grace of them.

Husband asks, " how are you today lover?"

My reply is simple. " I am drowning in to-do lists, and wishing I was a bird."

I don't think I will ever wish I could fly away again, without hearing his response echo deep.

" And the bird wishes it was a child of God."

"Oh God of grace. It's true. I have Your love. I have Your family line to call my own. I have You to call Abba. The birds may fly, but I am the one free. Help me remember the joy. I am Your child." 

Thank you Nathan. I love you forever.

Lovingkindness. His.

His lovingkindness is everlasting.

His loving kindness is everlasting.

His kind love is everlasting.

Love. His. It's kind and everlasting.

He is love. That is kind. Always.

Have you noticed? HIS LOVE IS KIND AND IT NEVER EVER ENDS. Taste and see that The Lord is good.  Please do. He is waiting.

Stumble into Grace

There are times I don't handle things well at all. The stress. My body shutters. Shakes into migraines and tears, ulcers and fears. These times hurt. For the obvious, but also because I thought I was more "beyond" such reactions. What do you do when you trust but the hail still comes? It pelts hard against soul and leaves scars.

I wish I could make this body of dust rest. Even when my mind does, at times this skin refuses. So I stumble. Into pain that debilitates head and heart. I writhe for grace. Tremble for mercy. To fight for Him in a bed a tears and darkness has been my battle for 22 years. Migraines rob. And when it takes again and again without kindness or warning you have to fill. Because if you don't... Your soul starts to die. So I begin to beg Him come in the dark. I say the words that I know deep, but can't find near somehow. " Thank you. That You are good. Always. That I am loved. Always. That this isn't reality. You are. Please don't leave me alone." And He doesn't.

"...My cup overflows.  Surely Your goodness and love will follow me ALL the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of The Lord forever." Psalm 23:5b-6

All the days of my life. So today too. And all this last week. The days this past week of multiple migraines. The days of ulcers. Your sons too. The days you cant even care for your own babies when they're hurting. Heart languishes. The day when someone stole off your property and took innocence from your son. The day your wonderful farm dog got hit by a car. The day you had to bomb for fleas. The day your hubby injures bad the wrist he needs to make a living. The day relationship groans and hurts just living thru. ALL of them. His goodness pursues. His love pursues me, even when I feel lost.

I am realizing sometimes we stumble into grace. I love moments of glory. Moments when His beauty make my feet skip and heart smile. Moments I can almost hold grace. But there is more than these.  A hard beyond this. Because sometimes scales come on eye. Heart clouds, and soul throbs thick. I tried to pull out and thrive, but I stumbled. Hard. We can try stand, but sometimes the hits are too much. So we stagger, like a drunken man. It was when I was having thoughts of, " Lord, it's too much. Too much.", that His words came. 

Those words. "Stumble into grace".  

And sometimes that is the grace. That we fall into what can catch us. We collapse tired into what can rejuvenate. We faint into what can revive. God doesn't need me composed before I enter.  This is one of the greatest graces of all.

" I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of The Lord in the land of the living." Psalms 27:13

When I stumble thru the storm He takes me in. And I warm by His fire crackling. 

" For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; In the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock....and I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to The Lord." 

Vs 5-6

What peace comes. I can stumble and still win. I can stagger and still grow. I can only compose if I hide away with Him. Like a cabin in the dark woods, His hearth warmth beckons. Do you see the soft light thru the trees? Keep going friend. Reach for the porch railing. Pull up on stair. Lift weary hand to knock. Stumble into grace. When we knock, the door always opens. He promised.

Hang on. His hearth is worth it. Today is another day that you are loved. Standing tall or crumpled low. Loved. 

Completely.

He comes in view

This week. Oh it stacks. Life. High and heavy on my soul. It seems too much sometimes doesn't it? We can't seem to understand each other as spouses, like two who speak fluent separate languages. Our hearts ache as parents. Wishing we knew what to do with this little one. The one all advice evades. The dog has fleas. Tirelessly treat accordingly. The whole house. It feels like heebie jeebie's encroaching on your too tired heart. The car. Yeah, that noise is getting louder. Do I look as embarrassed as I feel when I turn left? Hope the brakes really are ok. That that light on dash is just a sensor. What agony to feel we can't stop. Any of it. 

It drives. All of it. Wild. Soul spinning, mind throbbing wild. Birthday parties still have to be planned. Appointments still must be kept. Call that person back. Don't forget your gonna kill your sons fish if you don't get him food. Cry. You forgot again. Ache. Ache for air. It's often the longing that leads us.

But then this. He does come. Always. Slicing thru the too thick just like that. Joy can be sharp. Beauty can cut thru as saving grace. 

He calms. His hand reaches. He loves thru the looking. What we choose to see can determine if we heal.  

He offers to change how we see all day long. It's us who blow past. Always so fast. To get where? To that parking lot where you'll snap at the kids before you go in looking poised and happy? Why race to artificial? I want the real. I want to be lost. Gloriously lost in all the stops along the way. He is there. In those moments. Offering soothing love. The kind I need to breath. Why do we always rush? Like travelers on a highway, we pass by all the rest stops of beauty, to hold our pee and go to the bathroom at the next dirty gas station. That way we can have germs and a fatty candy bar. So we leave empty. Of bladder and soul. When we try control when and where we will stop, we stay empty. Does He sing us to pause at odd places? Inconvenient times? Yes. He does that. He knows what we don't. Stopping at His prompting fills our eyes with sight. Sight that fills with light. It can be anything too. Such little things sometimes. The way she laughs on the tire swing. Look at her eyes! The House Wren landing so near me. The dew drops on flower. The couple, 60+, on ride at fair. Smiling all love, their joy splashing onto others near. Simple? Yeah. It all is. Till you enter. 

Stop. Really look. Let your eyes see. Enter into a moment and be shocked at how you fill. Do you know He loves on you with beauty?

That load your carrying becomes lighter when you stop to be with Him, moments all along this way. Isn't He the point? Isn't     falling in love the goal? We all long to be caught up. Taken by something beyond our selfish. We ache to know there is more than "this". He predestines moments, sights created, just for you. To tell you of this love, His love. His love is mighty to save! But He won't make us slow. He won't force us to see beauty. He wont force us to say yes to air. The choice is apart of love too. Will you slow?

I am learning that there is hope. That everyday there are moments to meet Him in the slow. And I calm. I heal. Time in His presence does that. Our eyes can lead us to light. Will you use them? See His grace and burdens lift. And the fleas? Yeah. There just a small bug under the feet of a great God. And I am His.

Today. You are loved. And He is enough.

Slow down and see things. See Him. Sometimes He shows us things to quiet us. When we are quiet we hear Him. When we are quiet His words, His heart soak into these cracked souls. And we can't explain it... But somehow we walk away ok. Like oxygen on high mountain.

I hope you pause. This reminder made me smile thru tired tears last night. There is always a rest stop. And Jesus is ready there with lunch. I'm pulling over. Hope you will too.

Be blessed.

Not Enough

So those days. The days when you fail. The no matter how hard you try days, you fall short days. Yeah. See I have this failing. One of many. Ever have a trait that looks like an excuse, but it's real? You worry over it. Steer clear of things that will cause it to flair up. But there's this. God. He likes to use weak spots. Mine that burdens is this. I forget things. I am a moment thriver. A spontaneous soul.  A choose people before task woman. Sometimes to a fault. See there are tasks that need to be done. Planning does bless. Schedules can help make smiles. Because God is the most beautiful Planner. He designs exquisite (psalm 104)! But He also made me. Like this.

Me loving to show up a surprise, offering something to cause a smile. To help someone know...They. Are. Loved.  Me the hostess...working to always exude His welcome. No matter the hour. This is a design, godly I believe. He chose it. But the flip side is I am forgetful in future plans. Even when it's written down I can not show up. Even with note on dash, I can forget the checks to deposit. I can re-tell a conversation, all smiles, forgetting you were there. How do you share a weakness without sounding all excuse? Baffled if I know. 

Tears today. Weaknesses do that. I forgot. Again.  And i tried to make sure i didn't. I slammed into the jolt of "i cant" . Again. Maybe that's it! Maybe settling into the "just can't" opens a door. To Him. To His ability. I had a dear friend tell me today that Grace accomplishes what we can not. Can God's grace make a way for spontaneous me in a scheduled world? Can it allow me to love wildly and still be organized enough to bless my household? Can it see me fail and help me to smile with upturned face? It can. 

God is grace. God made me dust beautiful. God nurtures our nothings until it flowers into so many somethings. So maybe weaknesses then, are just seeds in the hand of a loving God. A miraculous God. What doesn't make sense to me, He can make beautiful... by design! The me that's like this. The me that needs to know my design is not a mistake. 

What are your spots? The ones you hope no one will see? The ones that keep you stuck, aching heart heavy in shortcomings. We need to hear it today. This. God has no design glitches.  The enemy wants us to think so. Both to get us to question God, and to get us to deny that His love could cover all of this.  The ugly places. The I can't places. 

But He can. He does. He can use even those. Because love never fails. And friend, He is love. He is grace. And He promises to finish what He starts. He is 1 Corinthians 13. He is all that for us. For you!

There is this story I read my kids. About a forgetful bunny. Her friends had to leave her a treasure hunt check list to follow, just to lead her to her own birthday party. That's me. I struggle being a forgetful bunny in a high expectation world. But I have a home in an all powerful God. One who "gets me", because He formed me. (Psalm 139). And that love? Yeah. It's gonna do something with my weaknesses. It's just His way. 

Wanna believe with me? Because there's one thing I have come to know. His love never fails. Even when I do.

Gracious gifts

You know the moments. When someone loves on you in just that way. How could they have known? Sometimes we just need to be reminded that God loves us wildly. Gifts given for "no reason" are the ones with the greatest potential for carrying the message of His wild grace. We seem programmed to believe we need to earn His grace. Earn His gaze. Friend...how far from the truth this is. 

She came around 11am. Knocking on my door with coffee in hand. Eyes smiling. She came, grace laden. 

I have been one who has believed He won't look at me long. A grievous way to live. A lonely way. We long to be noticed. All of us. Even the ones who deny it. We long to be enough to be spent for. I have learned through opening mysteries with "thank You", that He is different than I thought. Better in love than I ever dared voice was my hope. He does look at me. Long. His son, my Jesus, said yes to being "spent" for me. For you too. Yes. You. Since the day grace flowed out His side... and down His brow into those eyes...the eyes that looked thru blood up to heaven for you. Spent thru pain so you would know love. Love that saves. Love that looks at you long. Love that turns your life around.

This was the greatest of many bouquets your Savior gathered up for you. And He hasn't stopped. Love breaks down walls. And though we act like we don't want that, it's all we crave. Because walls? Walls are loneliness. We think it's safe. But how is suffocation safe? So He sends it...places it....times it....and orchestrates love notes for you all day long, everyday. His loves chases. We all want to be wanted.

" Therefore The Lord longs to be gracious to YOU, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on YOU. For The Lord is a God of justice, how blessed are all those who long for Him."  Isaiah 30:18

Did you know that's what that ache is? That hunger that keeps you awake nights? You are longing for Him.  Jesus says blessed are you for having this hunger. Don't silence it. Don't look for things, or people to fill it. Ask Him to show you His gaze. To show you that you are not alone.  That you have never been alone. We blame Him when it's us who have chosen to live with eyes closed, unthankful grumbling lips, and mortar for walls in hand. Try saying thank you to Him for things you take for granted. I dare you. Saying thank you is like turning to see who called your name. Turning to see whose gaze you feel. "For of His fullness we have ALL received, grace upon grace." John 1:16

And one more thing friend. Remember that you can be His grace to someone else. His love that slices through darkness. Become a gift. For no reason. Gifts of time. Gifts of words. Gifts of coffee on a doorstep. Surprise someone by joy, and you just might be a window to God's love for them. 

    ( My dear friend. 1 am. Produce aisle  

      of grocery store. Her friend. Hadn't 

      seen in eight years. Timing.)

His moments are never a mistake. His timing perfect. His love accurate.

 

Be blessed today. God is near.