Because I need to hear it too

We act our worst selves. We talk in tones that hurt. We let the exhaustion write the day's story. The problem is, flesh doesn't have an eraser on top of it. We can't just flip the wood and lead and change all we said. In our sighs and tones, words and looks. 

There's Disappointment.  

Disappointed in me days. 

Days that make me wanna run and hide. In coffee cupboards and coffee shops. Distractions. Whether chocolate or social. But running doesn't have an eraser either. No white out. No auto pilot while we choose chill. It's hard not to "run". Because I don't want to see it. Face it. Because I want to be beyond this. Habits of irritation and anger. Beyond the bite of drudgery. The nip of mundane. Beyond forgetting. About Him. 

See. There was this piece of wood. He was an eraser on top. Placed on. Nailed down. For days like these. For my ugliest tones of voice flung on my beautiful babies. For the anger toward my beloved husband. For my ungrateful heart refusing to see gifts in the mundane...the accidental...the imperfect.

 Sometimes I think of Jesus laying blood red and ripped for all the murderers, adulterers, whores, molesters, thieves, and evil hearted. But it's harder to see the little uglies putting Him there too. That He had to die because I yell. That He laid down and bled because I complain. That the crown of thorns was pressed in deep because I forget to ask Him for help. 

I want the control...

I glare irritated looks...

I choose to hurry and forget Him...

I ignore...

I whine...

I gossip...

I white lie...

I reject....

I refuse to say thank you...

I mock the way He made me...

I disrespect...

I withhold love...

 So He lays down. Taking the nails... Looks up to heaven and says, " This is for her. My Elizabeth. Now she will be clean. Covered. New."

"She is now uncondemed." 

How do I miss this?  This insane love. This giving back of my life.

It grieves me. Oh God... Make me among the remembering!

The grain of mean.

The spec of ungrateful

The moment of selfish

The thought of lust

The thread of self loath

The fleck of hate

How much is too little to be worth it? 

He says you are worth covering the minute for. You are worth this love. This love that covers all sins. Even the quiet, small, shy to show ones.

Jesus thinks you are just that important. His love is just that crazy. Laying down for the small sins... Because you just matter that much to His heart. He wants even the most hidden places to have this deep redemptive meaning. So rich. So full. So enough. Covered by this incredible love story.

Remember this romance. Don't blow by the pursuit in all His attention to detail. The details of your life. The details of your soul. My soul. This matters. Deeply. We can know Him here. In these places. His redemption so kind and enough.

But what about what others see? This haunting question... What do others think? Questions.

Do they think I have gained weight? 

Am I still beautiful?

Am I a good wife? 

Am I a good mama?

Am I kind enough?

Do they think I am less because I am not good at that?

How do I "appear" to others? Others.

Just this.  

" Others" don't have a say in your redemption. No one can make you condemned again. It is finished. Because Jesus has won you.

" My soul waits for The Lord... Hope in The Lord; for with The Lord there is lovingkindness, and WITH HIM is abundant redemption." Psalm 130:6-7 

" He will keep your soul." ~ Psalm 121: 7b

So on these hard days. When all the little sins, worries, and attitudes get you lost... Remember.  No little deal is too meaningless in light of such love. This incredible love that wants you to remember,  He covered this too. Even this. 

Grace so ready to meet you here. 

I need to hear this. Mundane, hard, drudgery days that depress need to hear this. So that we can rise.

I pull aside. Breath this in. Eyes open... 

I can live loved.