What Keeps

They grab me. I have read this powerful pod of words many times. But never with this seeing. I am meant to catch it today. The time is ripe. My soul tears up...it's those words. 

"...which shall not be taken from her."

 

What do I fear? In this whirlwind of a life... In my place, my time here on spinning dirt... It's the taking.  I am afraid of what will be taken from me.

I have had three babies taken. I know they are home. I am blessed that God is their nursery. That He rocks them like I would. That He calls them by name. I hope He tells them, as I have asked, that their mama loves them and can't wait to hold them. 

Was it here? This waking up to what can be taken. I shook fist at heaven and screamed, "why do you want my babies!!! Stop taking them from me!" 

Heart languishes, questions leaking like falling blood. We don't always get the gift of reason. Sometimes it's not our privelege. Loss. The taking of what we love. If we aren't careful, this fear can become a religion.

What do you fear He will take? Skin crawls as I ask it, doesn't it...  We all carry this silent scream. This begging. "Please God, don't take this from me."

I fear my husband getting killed at work. Falling from a tree, or feeling the teeth of chainsaw... The taking of my beloved and best friend. Please God. Don't.

I fear God will take more of my babies. The ones I do get to hold. So I protect tighter. Stand longer at my lookout post. Hoping, always hoping, that He remembers He has bled me here already. Please Jesus. Not my babies. Let me have these two.

I fear not belonging. Not having a place. 

I fear being forgotten. Not worth the remembering.

I fear not being cared for. This haunting aloneness in pain.

I fear not having enough to offer. Not having anything worth giving. This not being enough to matter. To make a difference.

I am afraid of losing youth. I am afraid of what beauty I may have... leaving.

What will He take? What. Will. He. Take.

My home. My Kansas?

More of my health? What's left after the havoc and taunt of these migraines and curved spine?

My friends? Because they are so kindred and dear, my heart fears their goodness in my life will be fleeting. 

My place?

My love?

My safety?

My value?

My hope?

Because we are afraid the good will be taken. Always this taking.

We fear a lot. We silent this scream. This begging. "God, please. Don't."

We conjur up Him to be enemy. And before we know it, we have been duped into believing He really is. Why? Because He can take. And those who can take must be thieves right? This threat? But it's more than that. We forget. This world is fallen. This world hurts. We ache because we expect heaven down here. We get angry at God for a fallen world we chose. Us. Humans. We chose to try be God. And we have been at it ever since. So the world spins. All this human mess. Because everyone is fighting to KEEP something. 

A season. A love. A look. A friend. A home. Respect. Value. A family. An amount. A hobby. An identity. This fight to keep.

But what if we are sweating in vain. What if the One we fear will take, is the only one who keeps? What if the One we fear is enemy, is really the safest place we'll ever know? Consider.

All these ponderings. They surface now and again. Sometimes they become our motivation. We just don't recognize it. It's behind why we say "yes" to something when we are really quite exhausted. It's behind the analyzing in the mirror each morning. It's the reason we check our bank account for a third time. It's the heartbeat of working so hard to have the cleanest house... The well-known recipe... The knack at creative design... The defensiveness when someone comes too close to taking our place... 

Don't you want to breath? To open your hands and be done with the whole war? I do. 

Like I said. It was those words. Read again and again. But today, they glowed. 

" which shall NOT be taken from her."

He said it about her. Mary. This woman who chose Him. Remember? She sat at His feet. And chose Jesus. He was what she wanted. And because she chose Him, she picked up all wealth. All worth. She was given a place. Tasting a life, that would not be taken away.

 

In Jesus, my keep, is safe. 

In His friendship, I have access to all. All love, all kindness, all justice, all value, all hope, all protection, all personal notice, all belonging. It is His friendship, His love that changes things. And when we choose it, it will not be taken away. This whole wonderful reality of full. Fullness of life. The full we crave.

In Him "all things hold together". In Him then, nothing is ever lost.

I didn't lose my babies. They are safe. And I will see them again. When I open my hands to receive what He allows, even when I feel I am losing, it is then that I realize what I am being given. He always gives friend. Always. Sometimes we just don't see past the fear, the hurt, the control. But thru that wall, is a full beyond your understanding. Meaning, that you can become so lost in, even when questions are unanswered. Because you have Him. And we find, the questions don't matter near as much, in light of all this love.

He gives where we hurt. Sometimes we just miss it because we are so stubborn at the push for "our own way". Our own way to feel loved. Our own way to feel justified. Our own way to change this mess. We can miss His help. His arms still reaching out, spread wide. There is this other side in every situation. A side we often choose to miss, and then blame Him for not coming.

Get this.

He always comes.

I was blessed this morning. With this real. With this true so sweet, my soul got up to dance. When I sit at His feet, this life with Him, this love, this friendship...will NOT be taken from me. The thing that will  give me the greatest joy, the truest love, the most lasting hope, the greatest protection, the eyes that really see...THIS will not be taken from me. 

He will not be taken from me.

Read Luke 10: 38-42.  Read about what matters. About how perspective can change the way we live this life. We have this choice. To sit, eyes upturned to the Keeper. Or...to busy ourselves with this fighting to keep. To keep up ragged run in this war to not lose. 

When you get to that last verse, the end of 42... Read it aloud. Slow. This matters.

Today I am blessed that I know The Keeper. Today I choose this friendship. Because frankly, I'm tired. And my fears makes me feel "the take" Monster's breath too close. And that monster needs to be smacked. I know the One who can. I know A Friend who defeats my foes. " All my sins and griefs to bear. What a privelege to carry, everything to God on prayer."

Come sit. He wants to tell you a story.

* Psalm 121*