Staying. When we are bleeding wide open. This is courage.
I look around and it's everywhere. Deep cutting agonies. Levels of hurt and hard so intense, it takes breath. Mine. And yours.
There are hurting marriages. Intense and seemingly lost. There are daughters waiting to know there dad really loves them. Women agonizing over if they are enough to be worth it. Families tearing apart...from inside.
All this. This.
My curved spine. These migraines it causes. The havoc it wreaks on my Beloved, and my babies. This feeling of being a burden to everyone. The thoughts no one hears that can eat us alive.
So I have had these moments intense for about eight months. Like I have been put into the fire and my dross must be thick... Because I am still waiting for the pure gold. There is a crack in the door filled with light. But still I stay. Furnace bound.
Been there? You can't hang pictures on the walls of a furnace. You can't write out plans of departure and neatly lay them on your desk. You can't invite others in for a cool glass of lemonade and good conversation. And before you can put that message in a bottle to throw for rescue...the note burns up all ashes.
There comes these times. Fiery furnace days. Hours in the den of lions. This Red Sea vastness, with the enemy breathing down your back.
So. What. Do. We. Do?
I. Hate. Feeling. Trapped.
This desperation ensues. My blood feels hot and rushing. Panic is always inches from the surface of me. And I can't find air. This feeling like I am gasping but smell smoke. This feeling of being completely...Alone.
Then it comes. This horribly uncomfortable realization. There. Is only ONE. One that can step in and not burn. One that can pick us up and rush us out. One whom the flames simply cannot lick.
My soul whispers is quiet. Jesus.
His name is like air. But still I panic. Because this is reckless. This believing all hope. All rescue. All air.... Comes from this invisible God. This Savior written about in well worn bible pages. But me? I know He saved Daniel. The lions were not allowed even a taste of his skin. But I am not Daniel...am I? And I'm not the three faithful thrown into the furnace, but kept unscathed...am I? And the Red Sea. Waters don't stand up to let us pass through anymore, swallowing up the fears that chase us...do they?
But then this. His word says He is the same. Yesterday. Today. Forever. So...
We come to this fork in the furnace. We have a choice to make. Because the endless roads of the perfect med, all wise doctor, and helpful chiropractor have left us empty. Coming up short. To this. On earth, there is NO CURE.
We stand at the edge of the cliff. Maybe it's this...This marriage hurts. Our spouse simply won't. And we can't do this anymore. Their words are knife, and our responses are storm. This marriage IS UNREPAIRABLE.
You can fill in your blank. What is your line of utter defeat? What do you believe is too much for God?
The odds are TOO GREAT.
The stakes are TOO HIGH
The disease is TOO STRONG
This family is TOO FAR GONE
This simply CANNOT. BE. DONE.
But.
He.
Can.
Can you hear me?
I was driving home thinking deep. Because my chiropractor flat out said it today. With a defeated shrug of his kind shoulders, " I don't know what to do with you Liz." I smile soft. " I know. And it's ok." He has become a friend. He has prayed for the healing I know will come. He has adjusted my spine to help me shirk out of many migraines...but what he may not know, is he has also adjusted my heart. Because he cannot save me, but God has used him as a blessing to tell me the hard in a kind voice. He is allowed to tend to my wounds, but God will not let him heal me. Jesus tells me the message today, again. Through my Chiropractors kind, but seemingly defeated words. This love letter from a higher ground. There is only ONE who will save me.
It was that church sign. I flew by at 60 mph... But i saw it.
" I Am the ressurrection and the life..."
Bullseye.
Moments. Manna from heaven to feed my real need. I heard Him so clear. " I raise the dead things. I. Am. Life."
Air. Smoke clearing.... This hope from a silly sign. But God uses all things for His good. That's the lovingkindness of Him. I felt this rush of calm come over me. Yes! My bent spine and all it's horrible ripples is a dead thing. It's a NO CURE thing. But nothing is more final then dead.
And Jesus beat it!!
My God has beaten death. Death!! This same God of Daniel...the God of the furnace men.... The God who commands liqued sea to turn wall and stand tall.... This is my God!
Oh death. Where is thy sting?
Sometimes. Yes, sometimes it feels like He is doing things backwards. Why wait till we are in the furnace, in the Sea, in front of the Lion? Why God? It's too hard. This thing hurts so bad it may be the death of me. Of those around me...
But you see, I wouldn't see my need for rescue. I wouldn't come to know, at bleeding heart level, that there is only One Savior. We need to learn it. Because the only way out of the fire...Out of the drowning sea...Away from lion teeth.... Is Jesus.
Rescue isn't rescue if it doesn't reach our soul.
And. I. Want. To. Be. Free!
There is no greater healing than that of the deepest soul. The whole of us. And the body? All I can say...is keep close to His heart. Pray out your agonies and hopes to Him. He will tell you where to put your mustard seeds of faith. And I promise, they will bear fruit. Because Jesus is never void.
And let's take notice. Of the hopes and comforts... The courage and strengths He has placed around you. For your help. For the love of you.
He loves. You.
He sees YOUR pain.
I am learning to see His story to me in those He places around me. The words of courage they give, the prayers they utter...
Because we all have lions. And we still need a Savior.
Church signs by roadside. Chiropractor that is kind. Friends from far away that urge you to keep on. Bible pages falling to just that page. Sunsets that calm. A hubby that loves.
He doesn't leave us alone. His voice is always here. " keep going Beloved, I Am right here. "
His voice. For you. Count the many ways. Witness them. Acknowledge them. Take heart. And say thank you.
Oh friends. He beat death. Death! He can handle your "Final". He can handle your "No Cure."
Take comfort. I too am here. I haven't gone beyond the furnace. But there is this door cracking... And I see the light. This is not my end! Jesus is coming.
Jesus. Still. Saves.
I have found His voice in this song. Hear it. Let it settle soul deep.
Wasteland by Needtobreathe:
Your loved.
That was truly amazing friend~!!!! THAT is the exact spot we ALL need to reach with our walk with JESUS!!! Believe!! trust!!! and BELIEVE!!!
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