And I love us.
My Nathan is the most enduring man I have known. He has such quiet bravery, and enduring gumption. He finds joy in being unseen, and loves to make sure his family isn't. And when life takes too much from us...when he crumples hurting...He rises higher still in my woman heart. A man that can be a mess with his woman, becomes the hero in her heart.
It takes a strong man, great strength to be weak.
My Nathan. His name literally means, "Gift." Yes. Absolutely yes! And he is, in so many, many ways.
Wives. I think a lot of times we are stupid. We want our husbands to build our dreams. Make our wish touchable. And they will bloody themselves trying. Some of this is by design, but often it's turned into a vortex because our "selfish" picks up on its possibilities. One word and we can make them start spinning world's to put that smile on our face.
We abuse them.
I have learned so much already... Perhaps I have mentioned before, our Kansas is taking our home and land under imminent domain... I have been faced with what really matters. And ladies, it's not walls. It's not decor like trend. It's not wine poured for guests in a chic fashion...
It's our home.
Not the house...but our home.
Is it walls, or is it him?
A woman has a make to love a house. To turn it into a home. This is a God design, and not to be taken lightly. But it's easy as time passes to let things slip out of order. And when hardships come, and they will, your walls start to shake. Pictures go crooked, and corners crack. We have to ask ourselves what we are hostesses of.
Nathan got me my dream. I have wanted a house in the country since I was 9 years old. I still have those "child like faith" architecture plans for my horse ranch. I happened upon them a few weeks past. There was to be a hot tub in my living room, next to the kitchen with the western, swinging, saloon doors. Lol.
I got here. No hot tub in the living room... Thank goodness! But he built me a swinging door out of beautiful barnwood. See, he saw a dream in my eyes, and he worked it like no other. Hard at his 40, and more in his own business, then some on the side. No one on earth works harder than my Nafe. I am convinced of it.
So this house came. I remember walking out back. Across the yard. Into the fenced in land...the place I would put our horses someday. I picked up dirt, breaking it with my fingers. I walked for a long time... I took deep breaths and saw how I could see the earth touch the sky. This?! This was where I was gonna live? Well 9yr. old dreamer, what ya think? I was in awe. Nathan gave me this.
He toiled hard for this.
It's beautiful.
He built me that round pen. He had no idea how at the start. But he figured it out. For me. And you know what? It's perfect. Completely perfect.
He shoveled rock for hours after work. For the natural landscaping I wanted all the way around our home. I won't forget how we fought that one day. Can't even rememeber what it was about. Senseless in the scheme of what matters I am sure... He had to blow steam. When I went to look for him, he was out in downpouring rain, shoveling that rock into wheel barrel. He did that for hours. I watched water pound his back and roll off his dark hair into his eyes. He just kept working. Even when he was mad at his woman, he worked to build for me. It's a precious memory to my humbled, foolish heart.
My husband isn't a saint. Neither am I. We have hurt each other, and taken the other for granted. We have missed the mark and fallen into counseling like other wise couples before us. But even in all the hard times, he never stopped fighting to build my dreams. To lift my heart, and joy my eyes.
But guess what. The state I love, is gonna put a bulldozer on my property. They aren't gonna think about my round pen, my landscaping, the baby girl I brought home here, or the family we are raising.... These bricks are gonna lose mortar. They are going to fall. The bedrooms of my babies will be gone. And the place our bed sets will be no more.
These dreams I had, they are going to go back to dirt. My favorite trees will be pushed into a burn pile. An off ramp will carry cars over where our family played in sprinklers and green grass. I won't lie. When Nathan came home and told me about the phone call, it took my breath. I was angry. Hurt. Confused. My dreams were for my kids to have this open space. The hope of endless possibilities where earth meets sky. I wanted horses for family rides at sundown, and for the hope and help of disabled kids. I wanted my home to be a safe place for the unknown soldier, and the needy heart. I wanted it to be a piece of Gods heart given away to each visitor turned friend. So what do you do when your dreams, and what you thought God Himself wanted, get bulldozed? You look hard questions in the face. You feel God push you into them until scales fall from blind eyes.
When this all started happening, Nafe said something that cut me to the quick. He said, " baby, I just want to know that you won't be disappointed. That you will follow me wherever I go, because I am your home."
My home. My home....
I struggled ladies. Hard. Mostly with disappointment, because I really thought Nathan always had been my home. In many ways He was, but not solely. Not when my dreams turned up rubble. For the first few months I pushed how we had to find another house in the country... How we could build...How we could.... Could...
Then I started to see it. This bend in me. This determination to have a home with four walls, in a location I believed I needed, to love out in the way God has set me ablaze to. This habit of allowing my beloved to turn himself inside out for my happiness. My happiness? He is so beautiful. Perfectly flawed and inspirationally giving.
But my vortex?
My love for my husband is deep, and it's genuine. But there are these times in marriage when Jesus pulls back the levels of us... The deep, unseen, hidden of us. And when He does, at least with me, I gasp. This? This is me? And I am humbled by my ugly. By habits I built out of small things slowly.
It's taken me months of hard. Things unraveling with the house, and our plans. Time kept passing... Then there were other things... Health... Relationships changing... Life just being this world we broke back in Eden. There have been these Eden days. The pressure cooker of His holy, breaking me.
My husband is tired. His body is worn out. His soul has lost a lot these past years. For more reasons then just this... He has fought hard and given his absolute all. And now?
Now I see.
There was the day Jesus said it to me quietly. That this house being bought and dozed by the state was for Nathan. That it was time God told His heart a love story... in his language. That in doing this He would need my quiet tongue and sacrificing heart. God asked for my "let go". He asked me to lay down my life. In the daily movement of things. To lay down where I cook for my family, where I tickle my babies, and plant my flowers. He asked me for my idea of what home was. Of what a hostess of the Lord was... And it hit me. If I have to choose between four walls to call home in the country, or my husband's soul.... My husband's soul wins. So I gave the Lord my yes. I opened the fists of a nine year old dreamer, and I let go. I will watch these walls leave. My round pen of plans be taken down. My landscaping be turned over. I will for my husband. Because I want to hear the story God is going to tell him. And I want to be apart of it.
I want to be apart of its beauty.
Home. Yeah.
I am there. We have pulled close. This processing outloud and side by side quiet. The looking into hurting eyes and just holding. Speaking hope when the other down, and crying together when neither is up. This is love. This is life in the real way. The laying down all of it for the other way. I am not good at it, but I am determined. Because my Nathan is my four walls. This man is my home. Truly! Oh so sweetly, yes! And I cannot begin to poet out the way my soul is changing. The way our love is yet again renewing. The miracle of the staying marriages...this constant more love coming for those who just won't leave the other.
I have told him. I can't help retelling him often.
"Baby, you are my home. I will go wherever you go, and will live wherever you are."
And him? He is breathing different now. Hope moves between us. And we feel there is an adventure coming. A new that will unite us yet even more.
Ladies... A man finds strength when his woman will find him the home on the journey.
And I find the more the Lord inches me closer to this house being torn down, the more my soul is releasing. From these four walls and into the building of Nathan's heart. I find myself almost lost in my husband. Gloriously lost. Because you know what? I love us.
We all have these spots. And if I have learned anything this year, it's that it's ok for me to be a mess with Jesus. It's the only way I "become" before Him. It's the only way flowers rise up out of burned places. It's the way of real love and lasting promises.
My hopes for a house and it's welcome, are safe in the hands of Jesus. And I know now, that I am called to be His hostess everywhere I go, in a million small moments. And one day, I am sure He will settle me down again... But I know He wants to build a home in Nathan and I first. Because if we are not at home with Him and one another first... We mine as well not have a house at all. Welcome signs come from the heart of the person, not from the structure they sit in. And I want that. Oh how I want to be that.
Marriage is this beautiful place to me. I get to be apart of a story...of how Jesus loves, forgives, builds, and promises. What a joy it is to be here learning.
I am a wife of nearly 13 years, and I just wanted to show you my home. Welcome!
No comments:
Post a Comment