Slowing Feet of the Righteous

So the waves keep coming. And I am afraid I am not good at handling that. My heart heavy, my body weak. I have always wished I handled stress better. But. I don't. My body crumbles. Under muscle tension and migraine. I wish my body was as brave as my soul. Maybe someday.

They are taking our house. The progress of Kansas roadways. This brick haven we planned to leave our children... Just like that. Imminent domain. And a " we're sorry." Don't get me wrong. Kansas is actually pretty helpful in compensation. Moving expenses, value put in etc. But no one can pay you for memories. For plans held dear and prayed over. They won't pay me for the wall I have been measuring my babies height on. 

They won't pay me for my husbands sweat and long days shoveling rock for my flower bed dreams. Money doesn't buy the barnwood floors he laid...his tearing down the barn to the surprising me after my trip with new floors...  The state can't pay me for my husbands countless hours of labor to make this house personal. And it is that. Personal.

It's hard to let go. Even when you know it's God approaching. Sometimes the storms that bring Him near, hurt.

I have been getting hit in the face again and again. With these waves. From this storm system. The too much at once system. Tornadic and intense. Emotion cyclone, dust in the eyes, waves of water slapping face and taking breath. Storms. 

The intense parenting challenges no one can see because they don't live here. The tears you cry, shaking, because when the rest of the house falls quiet, your alone with the fear. What if you can't be what is needed to raise her? Storms.

When relationships that matter, hurt... When it seems that nothing will heal, and overcome is so far away. When what should be natural and safe, isn't. Storms.

Health. When it's always out of reach. When you feel you can't chase it anymore. Because if being healed relies on you doing everything just so... Then it's hopeless. Because I cannot be my own salvation. But what about the havoc? The havoc nobody sees... On your bleeding heart. On your husbands soul. On your precious babies. Storm.

Finances. Health. Family relationships. Emotional exhaustion. Loneliness. Confusion. Hate. Lies. Hopelessness. Fear. Feeling abandoned. What are your storms?

It has happened a couple of times. These jolt moments. Not in a way I expected. Because I want the miracle. I want the big help, the slide in and waaa-laaa answer that catches me delightfully off guard. God loves the beauty of backwards. The jolts were this. Stopping in the mundane and everyday to look around. To see. Pull back a moment and find a miracle. 

 

First it was in a yes to my kids wanting to paint. Instinct? To say no. Because I  am tired, overwhelmed, and well...lost. But grace overtook me and I sighed out a yes. So it came. Breath of soul in children finding joy in color.  Kids remember to play with color. I wish I would.

I want my hands to always have color lingering. Because it means I have mellowed in beauty. Stopped and stayed for a few moments in what really matters. God here.

I was shocked by what my  soul did. As I listened to them giggle. As I watched my sons personality show up in paint, and my daughters passion thru color. The miracle? 

Air. 

I felt a rush of what matters flutter into my soul. This Grace. Like His hand taking hold of mine.

I smiled. This was a gift. And all from me saying yes to the messy. Yes to what I thought was "more work". Him and all this beautiful backwards.

This has happened three times in the last few days. Mundane miracles cracking away my suffocation. My daughter's joy in a bucket of water. She doesn't need a pool. Oh what thankfulness for a bucket can do! This gift of giggling. Or her thrill at the sound of her feet, moving swift, through wheat. This gift of wonder.

More adults should run through wheat fields. Truly.

Or noticing Sphinx moths and their flitting from colorful bloom to colorful bloom. Chaser of vibrant colors and nectar...one blossom at a time. One at a time. This gift of being all there. 

Or when I abandoned "the plan" and took the kids to the Nature center they love. No plan. But we wanted to rest. To let go of mommy crying and remember each other. And that we matter to God and are more important that sweating the answers. So we felt the cool water on flip flop feet, spoke personal with strangers, and sat smack dab in the middle of gift shop aisle to read that book on Mantis's together. We played with puppets we didn't need to buy to savor happiness. Because beauty can be now. And we don't need to pay to taste Him here.

I keep getting the jolt and remembering these lingering ripples...

We can LIVE even when the storms don't seem to pass. Because we can always stop the blurr in a second. The moment we choose to enter into "now" to taste God here. 

God here. 

With us. In the flitting of a moth, the exuberance of a three year old, or the colors of paint. 

I can always stop the spinning. Because God is always making Himself known all about us.

It's me that chooses blind stress. Why? Why.

We spin to find salvation. Salvation from the hopelessness of poor health. Salvation from this hurt that keeps being replayed. Salvation from confusion and shame. 

We will always serve what we are believing will save. 

Scary. But too true. So we spin. Looking for the savior pill. The savior father figure. The savior job. The savior schedule. The savior parenting plan. The savior book of help. 

We needed a Savior from hell...but news flash... We still need Him to save us. Again and again and again. And if we aren't seeking Him, we will worship what we chase. ( Isaiah 43:11)

It's in His name. Emanuel. God with us.

We can meet Him in a moment.

Any moment. Anywhere.

Romans 1:20 says His invisible attributes are made known to us in the things He has made. Saving conclusion... In any given moment, there are pieces of God. Chances to slow and have connection with Him Savior and Him love.

I know I was supposed to get this. That hope and love divine can be found in mundane moments gone miraculous! I want miracles. You do too. So?

Stop. Slow. Enter into now. Taste and see God here. 

Only One can save. 

My salvation can be now. God. With me. Here. 

Him. My song in the storms. I just might get through after all. 

Who woulda thought. Salvation comes to the slow feet. The pondering paths of the righteous. Those that find, He is walking in the backwards all along. 

So if you need courage right now, like me, join me will you? We can do this. This stopping when we feel the spinning. This slowing down to say, "I must meet my Jesus right here." 

This God who can...

Unravel my ugly

Raise my dead

Overcome my can't

Find my lost

And always save my soul.

Please slow. He is waiting.