We hold a sort of air supply in our hands, all the time. Our actions act as a clamp. In a moment, or in habit of years, we clamp down and cut off air supply to our husbands souls.
I know. Sounds horribly harsh and like that implies way to much power right? But I think it's true. Hence the scary part I mentioned earlier. See on the one hand we are designed, and backed by God, to be a helpmate to our husbands. We are given the power of heaven to be crazy good at this. But we have "flesh", and when we act in it, that coin flips. And by default a powerful good can become an impacting bad due going rogue. God doesn't take our position away when we walk ugly( oh this baffling grace!). But the hard of it is, He will allow us to hurt our husbands by keeping us in this place of impact while we are soul sick.
Here is what I mean. We will go with a simple example such as how we respond the moment our man walks in the door. I confess, through the stress of the last months, my exhaustion has taken my drive. My drive loss has caused a skewed view and a complaining habit( recently lamented over and repented of...thank you Jesus!). In turn, when my sweet Mr. was walking in the door, he was met with a virtual grunt and scowl. This instantly affected his mood, and separation instantly occurs. He is on edge and inevitably snaps at kids. I get annoyed he is so grumpy and wish he would see I clearly had a hard day! See where I am going here? Now my hotsie totsie Mr. could have chosen to stay calm and kind when met with this cold front, but that's any of us in a perfect world... Here is the point though. A wife is a barometer. We single handedly can control the pressure and ambiance of the home. Under barometric pressure shifts my physical body can actually get a migraine. So is it so hard to imagine a soul can have the same? It's the position gals. This amazing gift in this place of impact.
Annoying right?
I have fallen so many times on this one. The frustration that I can't have a bad day without the whole house falling apart... That I can't feel frustrated without the family wishing mom was in a better mood...
I can hear the wide spread amens now! Lol
We are nurturers ladies. By God's beautiful design, we have been given this space. And it's true, we CANNOT have a bad day without impact. And it will be vast. But instead of us getting angry about it, maybe we should consider why.
We can make our husband feel unstoppable. A good woman at his back and a safe home to recharge in can literally make him feel like the luckiest man alive. This makes him work harder, smile bigger, and look forward to coming home each night. When we don't do this.... Because we have taken hurts, exhaustion, self protection, or irritation on as our driving attitude... They can start dreading coming home. Dreading the wedge they feel between themselves and their bride. Dreading the silence. Dreading the scowl, sighs, and unkind gestures we somehow think we can pass off as still being a "good" wife. We tell them with our attitude they are failing us, that they are not enough. They then get up, go to work grumpy, and when that co-worker at work rambles off a rude comment about women... He is fully charged up with reasons to agree with the notion that we are the ball and chain. Before long we lose his heart. His eyes may wander when out in public, or when alone with an internet's blinking cursor. He rationalizes it all away with:
" my wife doesn't appreciate anything I do anymore..."
" she doesn't seem to think I am attractive anymore."
" she doesn't have time to help me."
" she is always angry or annoyed."
" all she does is complain about what I don't do."
Though we are not responsible for a man grumbling about us to his friend, or abusing the Internet, we have made a point of impact to cause influence over his decisions. Influence that was given to us as a gift by God, influence we have soured with an ungrateful heart. Jesus will hold us accountable for our part. Blaming our men may work in our grumbling mind, but it won't stand in God's divine reality.
I know when they walk in the door, it can be so hard because their is so much history. Of hardships, hurts, misunderstandings, and years of coping habits. But God has made this stand out to me as a starting point this week. What home do I present when he clocks out? Holy safe and wanting, or guarded and removed...
Nathan and I have had a very hard year. We have legit reasons to be angry, hurt, exhausted, and worn clean through. And here is what we have discovered. It's not possible for us to have a thriving marriage that stands in a room full of dueling expectations. We both will lose every time. Fights will be born, and positions burrowed into. Discord, defensiveness, and rights will take our peace. And for what? To be able to stand over the other person with a "ha! Told ya I was right!!" If your spouse is below your feet, your still haven't won. Being "right" won't warm you at night, cook you a warm meal, or make a good date. It just makes you lonely and bitter.
Jesus pulled some curtains back for us recently. We saw our alarming habits forming, and our outside hards pressing in with no end in sight. And if we have bad habits and circumstances we can't change, what can we do?
Bring our love back.
Love doesn't have to wait to give itself away. It can always begin now. The Spirit started showing us clearly that we needed to let go of the hard and the score cards, and choose to remember instead. Remember what matters. Remember what we like about each other. What we have to be grateful for. We realized we needed to acknowledge we cannot fix our hards, in essence we had to let our house fall. This time, a soul based one. "Unless the Lord builds the house, they that labor, LABOR IN VAIN..."
God showed us we have to bring back our love through becoming focused. Focused on what we have to be grateful for. Focused on doing fun things together, and making our relationship a priority over stress and hardship. We needed to play more, laugh more, and remember what a gift the other person is.
So here is the challenge. Sometimes, it can mean that one person does this and one person not so much. So what then?
Greet them at "the door" with joy anyway.
A Kindred friend and I have been pouring over our wife callings. We have grieved God showing us ways we have cut off air supply to our men. We have been challenged by God, each other, and the word, to return to gratitude and sacrificial love. This requires brave joy. It requires an overcoming love and a standing forgiveness. We have decided to talk once a week and check up on each other's obedience and gumption. Maybe you have been convicted of similar things. Is there someone who can hold you accountable in picking up your convictions with brave joy? I'd encourage it. It's helping us! This banding together of the beautiful, us wives with renewed passion for position.
And you know, we have started with the front door. The beginning place for what happens in a home. Here is some other things Jesus has been challenging us with:
* stay in the word
* fight to return to gratitude and a positive attitude.
* spew out on hubby less, pour out to Jesus more.
* make more relaxed memories together...like playing cards in the bedroom, or going on walks...
* take joy when your spouse compliments you. Receive it and trust it.
* over compliment, thank, and encourage
* take up joy each time you see them
again after an absence.
These are just beginners for us. Jump starts for the weary heart. Because:
" Set up for yourself road marks, Place for yourselves guide posts; Direct your mind to the highway, The way by which you went. Return O virgin of Israel..." ~ Jer. 31:21
I am seeing the power I have been given. This amazing position God has said I may have. This incredible ability to empower someone to live a fuller, more God filled life. Because when we obey Jesus and take up our love again, we open the door for our spouse to hear the voice of God clearly. In a sense clearing a way for the greatest relationship they will ever know in heaven and while on earth.
Let's not be a trap door ladies. Open your eyes and see the power that has been given you. What will you nurture, life or destruction? We all choose in that moment they come home...
"Hi baby, I missed you!" With a wet smack on the cheek. Kiss hope right into the core of them, and never let go.
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