Circus Lights

I think for those of us "here", it would shock if we speak it. Because most of our worlds have a face. The one everyone around us sees. The person we are seen as. And that person doesn't speak such stark. But what if it's true? What if we are this raw. This undone. This agonized...

We are the always smiling. The planner. The get together event organizer.  The make others laugh and always encourage. We are the silly. The gracious. The I will help with everything. The super mom. The bible study leader. The workout woman. The homeschool poster. The good Christian girl. The pastors wife. The best friend. The worship team chick. The blaa blaa blaa. But what if there is a well... A depth we feel surging and verging to come out...

Maybe, like me, your silly is falling. The always being "the one", is aching. The expectation to be the expected person... The face of everyone's normal... This person wants to pack her bag. Sounds crazy right? But the real things ache. It surges. The real threatens to come out and no one will recognize this face. This person.... 

We are apart of a Circus. We keep our light bulbs changing out. Our wheels spinning to give everyone around us the expected results. The thing is, there is a twist. Though it would be convenient to blame any, no, everyone... It isn't that simple. We have a part in this fairway of lights. We choose to play the role. Moment after moment we step up to that plate. There are some of us who have had unfair or " unright" things layered upon us. Yes. It's true. But in this glorious unwinding God intends, for our perhaps buried but real souls, we see our part too. We rhythmically do what is expected without a break in mind motion or soul ponder. We never ask Jesus these "certain" things, and before we know it, these "responses" mold us into our confused, poised selves. Layer upon complicated layer. 

It's gruesome. Both the realization that we may not be able to keep this up, but also the realization that maybe we shouldn't. That very real possibility hitting you square in the face...

  That this isn't what God has for me. 

We weren't made to please men. We weren't made to tight rope walk our way into love, and tame lions to keep it. Costumes on, costumes off. Day in and day out. Then one day it happens. Lights flashing full blink in our faces... The whole fairway goes death quiet though wheels keep spinning. Like the call to step out has found us. Our weary, worn down, nothing left soul just stands there. Clowns blowing fire in our faces, and ticket salesman shoving tickets into our hands. Here, like this, in this, we hear it.

" Come out..."

So we try our brave. These slow feet grasping with each step, possible freedom. 

Taunting voices revile our decision. Judgers, like jugglers, throw mock in our faces. Roller coaster rides screaming "worthless"  in our ears. 

"This is all you have..."

"This is the only thing your good at..."

"This is what pays the piper..."

"This. Is. Who. You. Are."

Snarls rise and hell fights to keep you in these gates! Lights, smoke, screams, crowds. Pressure... Pressure....pressure....

But that Voice keeps pulling at you. 

Those words. 

" You were made for more than this."

So you walk out. Gate clicks behind you. Everything in you screaming this is wrong. Wrong to follow a voice others aren't. Even others who are supposed to be the same as you. The same? But you can't stay away from this Love. This song you hear in the wind... Floating like hope from somewhere deep.  Because you can't fight to keep what others Indian give any longer. There is this other pulse. A love that doesn't make you pass a test. 

Love...love...love...

Like a pulse you can't shake. An answer to all this agony. To being free from all this shame. Shame that you keep falling from a tight rope that seems to strangle you after every show. If these expectations are right, why are you dying? Why am I ready to pack up the whole of me and run to heal alone up there. Away from eyes that mock and tongues that scoff.

We were never made to please man.

The complication of all this is, what is our part? We have to let the Lord untangle this mangle. And we have to realize we play the role. People's expectations can be abrasive and corrosive... But when we say yes to that tight rope, we are forming our soul around a lie. We are committing to finding value in what suffocates. An endless asking to be wanted. Loved. Seen. Worth it. Cared for....  

We chase a taunt that will never feed us. 

About Him

So that's it then. A cutting question that separates the true from the users. To know about, or to know personal? This selective use of Jesus at times, we deem needed...Or the raw, real, wanting of Him.

Loving to know Him.

There is a difference. And this week, I cannot stop thinking about this. The way this can entangle us... Or the way this sets us free! Bear with me now, this post, a ramble stamp of my heart. 

See, Jesus isn't a pill, a dictionary, a "how to" pamphlet. He is a person. He is real. He is not a chosen faith, or a listed world religion. He isn't Christian media on Amazon, or a good song on the radio. He isn't speech on a soap box of our choosing, or a weapon to be justified in our judgements.

He is One to know. To crave. To savor as your dearest friend.

The past couple of days I have been chewing on who He is, and how much I deeply like Him. And I kept hearing that question. Do we like knowing about Him, or do we actually Like Him?! Mostly I think we are afraid of Him. You see Jesus is tough to swallow, and certainly a challenge to our convictions of thought.

He is like a complex poem, worth every ounce of read and ponder. 

He, in an instant, is our greatest experience of comfort, to only be what scares us to death the next. He says the kindest words...letting the broken, used, and torn, know they have a home. But He is also the same God who tells us if we don't forgive, we won't be forgiven.

So we make Jesus a pizza. We eat the slices we like, even sharing bites with others. But we leave other parts of the pizza alone. It's just too offensive  to ponder, that the same Jesus who says,  " they shall not inherit the kingdom of heaven..." ...for varying reasons...is the same cheesy good bite we tasted yesterday! But the truth is, Jesus isn't a pizza. He is a person. And He is complex and tough to swallow, because He loves us enough to tell us what is true. 

John Eldridge says it like this, 

"The friend who says you've had too much to drink spares you something ugly. A foghorn is offensive at a dinner party; it is the sweetest sound in the world for a ship lost in a storm. Jesus' words are not offensive. It is something in us that is offended."

" What would it be like to have someone in your life who knows you intimately, loves you regardless, and is willing to be completely honest with you? Yes, it would be a little unnerving, certainly disruptive- but doesn't part of you also crave it?"

" Thus the startling, disruptive, sometimes brutal honesty of Jesus.  The world is stone drunk, and raging at Jesus because He's trying to keep us from taking the car. Who is being unreasonable?"

We all have pictures of Jesus that aren't true. Mostly due to Christians picking a topic of passion and glorifying it. We get out our bull horn and spew out passions on marriage, sex, wine, tattoos, parenting, and end times. We make Jesus into a topic, stripping Him of person. Then the world, even us His followers, form opinions on who this God is. Because clearly George down the street says we shouldn't be fighting in the Middle East, and He loves Jesus and goes to church.... So Jesus must be a weak man of peace that isn't a war hero.  We make Jesus form into a person's passion, forgetting that no one fought a greater battle and won...ever. 

Our parents teach us about Jesus thru law... So we form Jesus into a demand.

Someone says God is love, but standing against same sex marriage isn't love... So we make Jesus a pacifist. 

Our church says a true Christian serves in the church... So we make Jesus into an acceptance/to do list.

On and on and on it goes. Like children walking in to the Sistine Chapel with paint ball guns. We add our colors to Jesus, and the world spins confused. Distracted from that hand of a God reaching out, by all the ugly blobs we call facts by our morphed belief system.

Ever thought of challenging what you believe about Him? Of seeing for yourself that the same Jesus who said forgive or you won't be forgiven...says He wills NONE to persish. Not one single soul. A contradiction...Beautiful enough to study?  You betcha!

Here is what I thought this week. His church is lost in topics. Absolutely lost. We ostracize with them, form classes around them, teach them from the pulpit. We have become empire builders, seeing who has the greatest success, followers, and  tweets. I can't get over how forgotten Jesus is in His own church. Maybe His kids haven't looked into His face in a long time. Because if we did, we would talk about HIM more...His heart, His walk on earth, His ways of handling earth moments, and His traits of identity. What we love about Him. How we enjoyed Him that day.

Glorifying topics can suffocate and make people lose eyes on God. For example...

I am around a lot of people who talk about the end times. But the thing is, I don't want to. I don't want to be lost in signs, and guesses... I don't want to prepare for horrible things, and guess at the hours we have left... If we will be here for tribulation, or sucked up to glory before.... I only want to prepare ONE way, I want to be found knowing Him.  To be too in love to change my focus to a topic.

Rogue? Perhaps I am. Wild. Odd. Uncomfortable... It's likely. But it's what I believe. Knowing Jesus personally is ALL that matters. He will tell me what's what. I believe I can focus on Him and He can tell me things when I need to know them. That I can read His Word and have He, Himself, reveal to me it's story. He is able to prepare me, even with me unaware of it. God uses people, and what a privilege it is, but He doesn't need them to interact with us personally. 

What would the church be if we studied more of His Person, not a topic? More of His essence, instead of our movements...

Maybe our marriages would overcome because we looked into Jesus heart on it, instead of doing what is expected by the Church. Perhaps choosing not to divorce because it tells a lie about how God loves. Versus staying married because it's a must in being a good Christian. 

We all do it. We can be topic worshippers. Topic spouting pros. Topic pondering meddlers. We forget we were in love once.

So maybe I will be a burr to some. I irritate my own people. But I don't have time to figure out topics and the people clicks that form because of them. I only have one soul, and I want to be found recklessly seeking One face. 

Love the Lord your God...

with all your heart...

mind...

and strength...

And love people as yourself. 

Precise. 

That's it. 

This Jesus knew we would do this. Mini empires with His name slapped on the front. Everywhere these mini kingdoms. So He narrowed things down, simplifying our tower of Babels. 

Deuteronomy 6:5-9 

Matthew 22:37-40

Remember Him? Look into His face. For a moment... being brave enough to believe it's true...

 Alone. All by Himself. He is enough.

The person of Jesus is THE reason to stay married to your spouse.

Having a friendship with Jesus IS an end times "strategy."

Recognizing His heart IS enough to change a course of action.

Knowing His thoughts CAN shape a Mama or Daddy heart.

Enjoying Him builds gratitude and defeats discontentment.

Seeing Jesus changes our perspective's on people, and how we relate to them.

Knowing Jesus personally, defies depression.

Learning what He values leads to saving unborn babies, ministering in the boycott places, and touching the dirty clothes of the poor.

Knowing Jesus, loving Him, indeed liking Him... This shapes all things. 

It's like,us Christians, think they are studying for a test, but forgot the subject line.

He warns us. We can do things IN HIS NAME, and in the end, can hear Him say, " I knew you not."

Like He is looking at the church right now. At the Christian Mommy groups, counseling centers, and Sunday school leaders and just saying it. " it's possible for you to do this, and not know Me at all."

So which is it? Risk a raw...analyze your own skin. Do you love knowing about Him, or just being in clicks that bear His name? Do you love your interaction with Jesus? Your talks, smiles, and silly moments...  Your crying out to Him in hard, and His always being there... Do you love Him so much, you wait on THAT voice, because it's the only one you really care about? 

And then this. My heart heavy about the core of it...

I believe Jesus and His Word are enough. But lately... We seem to hear scriptures and then we turn pondering them...Into an analyzing game to figure out future predictions. This attempt of sorts to define "an exact", as a way to control. An exact time line. An exact meaning. An exact interpretation. But maybe we are not supposed to see all things like God. Maybe the serpent hasn't really changed his tactics at all. We would all be wise to remember.

Jesus came. He gave us an example and therefore compassion for our struggles. He died. He rose again. Then He left a helper, this precious Holy Spirit... AND His word, this book. 

BUT WE ACT LIKE IT'S NOT ENOUGH. THAT HE IS NOT ENOUGH. Like He needs our detective skills. 

Let that hurt a bit. It sure hurts me. 

We need to hear this. All of us. Especially this week. The world is groaning. Aching for His return. False prophets are becoming thicker. Be careful what you accept quickly, simply because the speaker says they are a Christian with credentials. Because men of God exist and are precious. Used and certainly needed. But lately I have seen a lot of men claim His name and speak lofty things LIKE THEY KNOW AS GOD HIMSELF. The snares get trickier when some of our own get cocky. Be wise friends, run the ramblings through Jesus as funnel.

That's my challenge now. This gnawing want of heart. 

I want to want Jesus. I want to believe His Word to be enough. 

I grieve the Hollywood internet hype. This adding predictions to a book God already put enough in. Maybe we don't have to analyze moons turning red, connecting our own dots and assumptions to a thrumming scary song. Maybe Jesus's signs are His grace, and are enough. Maybe we should trust that voice. Choosing to not run to the tree of knowledge again...in this attempt to control with the clues He gave.

And the thing is, He gave those clues because of love. Hoping it would drive us to trust Him more. To stand in awe of the secrets He keeps. And in awe of the One who Keeps our souls. 

Knowledge can be about Him and not of Him. So this week as the mouths around me babble human interpretations of The Beginning and The End... I have been thinking differently. With less hype and fear, and more trust. 

I am sidetracked by love. This Jesus. 

My Alpha, My Omega... My favorite heart thought and soul love....  I want Him. I want His Word.  I want to trust in the Name of The Lord My God. This constant turning to look and see, is this in line with Christs heart? With His word?

I know this of myself. I lose Him when I look to men first. When I trust their opinions, interpretation, and ramble without question. And the more I get to know this Jesus, the more I see, His ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts higher than our thoughts. So I am asking Him more. "What do you think Jesus? Tell me where I should stand. Because men are loud and opinions are high. But You, my Savior, are the Rock higher. I want You. Lead me in YOUR truth. You, my only good. Your all I want, keep me in the shadow of Your wing."

Who do we look to first? 

Whose voice matters most to us? 

May it be Jesus. Always Jesus.

For you. The Sick and Weary.

So your heart aches today. I know. It's so hard to walk the same road and see no change in sight. I know you feel like your a burden, and that it's worse because you can't change a thing. That this health and all it affects may just suffocate you today. That it may just rise up high enough, to reach your throat and strangle out your hope clean through. Stability seems like this gift you can't touch, that so many of the rest of the masses take for granted. Do they thank God for not having to use sick days...Or for being able to keep those scheduled plans... For being able to watch their savings account grow, unmolested by doctor bills? Oh sweet you, they probably don't. Because sadly our human state is prone to a lack of gratitude when unchallenged. It's the hard days that stir up our eyes to see what really matters. I know it feels like you are chased by hard days. That this road God has asked you to walk feels completely unfair and even mean. But remember the moments sweet one... these moments when you were toe to toe with the intimate things of God. That secrets of hidden places were whispered to you when you were laid low in tears.

Always ponder...

His love is better than a clean bill of health.

Maybe it's your spouse heart that groans today. This burden every health hurdle seems to fling onto the one you love. How this is a threat, like a wedge,  creeping up in your relationship. Again.  They are tired of not having a normal home life. They hurt because they want you to be able to do normal things with them. To play, laugh, and run care free beside them. Maybe you watch them try not to be angry at you, but hurt worse,  when you see them get angry at God. Or perhaps it's the money. Money you cost, from a body that has no respect for a tight budget or financial plans. You. Mentioning how this alone makes you feel like an endless burden. Each bill, each new health issue, like a hatchet hacking away your ache to set him free from the ugly true of your weak body. But perhaps this is holy too. Like maybe heaven bends low to deliver the most precious of things, to the one we love most. That past the angry is this...holy...waiting. Just for them. Secrets. Wealth of a greater life. One beyond earth skin and human ache. The gift given to the caretakers. The strength, endurance, and rewards of God. Pray for them to push through for the beyond things. The things past a carefree spouse and a bill less life. Things of the Kingdom come.

Perhaps the Mama heart in you aches too. Them so at home in a waiting room, or talking to doctors like they are in the family. This ugly is normal to them. You have said it hurts each time you load them in the car, what feels to you, like dragging them through mud to yet another appt. You have told stories of how they cry. Asking why Jesus doesn't heal you. Or the sadness in their eyes when you can't join in that activity. But maybe, sweet friend, these are the moments where the veil over the holy things gets lifted. Maybe it's here, that children learn compassion, the power of prayer, and learn how to love the 1 Cor. 13 way. How to be over-comers, and mindful, "2 greatest commandment" thrivers. Just know that God is doing what you cannot imagine here. That your children are precious to Him, and He molds souls in ways we cannot imagine. The goodness of God is stark in lands full of black. Weak ones make the boldest story tellers. Tell your babies a story. A personal story about you and your Jesus. How He never fails, and how His compassion is a constant friend. Use the ache, pain, and doctor calls to reveal hidden wealth. God here.

The thing is. It may not end. Health maybe isn't the greatest wealth. If the holy things, the very secrets in the heart of God come through the obscure ways... The narrow ways... The overgrown wild paths.... Then maybe you are right where you need to be. Listen to the dirt beneath your tired feet. Look at the wildflower growing out over onto this path... Hear the wind in the trees overhead... This path may be the overgrown ugly to general, but it's quite possibly the art of God. The raw ways tell the pure stories. The truest things about real life, love, and how He gets us through. Maybe, just maybe your apart of something so much greater. This personal part in a story that God wants told. About how He loves, and how we can now too.

Because the ones who have had to lean in and look up, recognize Him best. Forced perhaps to need help first, yes. But it's these bleeding, raw wounded ones that come to know intimately the real of Jesus Christ. And maybe, just maybe, You are a part of telling the world who He really is. Not the religious Jesus of a mass of world Churches, but this personal, right here Jesus. This person who talks to His Dad about us, intercedes for us without sighing in annoyances...But rather in joy over us. This Jesus who is strong, kind, intentional, patient, and powerful! And if you don't know how, to know Him like this, or perhaps how to tell the story.... Just ask Him. Ask Him to show you Who He is in all this mess you have known for so long. Ask Him to be apart of telling His story with your weakened skin.  Tell the story to your husband or wife, and to your babies. To a doctors office, or a stranger in line at Walmart. God is good, and that isn't heard anywhere more powerful than from the lips of the still hurting.  Because if we, aching in world skin, can proclaim that we taste and see He is good, despite our challenges, our voice is heard. Loudly, like the echoing song of holy places.

And friend, you have to hear this. The bills may keep coming. Family members make look to you as the cause or annoyance. These things are real realities, and they do hurt and cut deep. But Jesus does not hold you to blame. He does not keep you at arms length. You have to embrace the love and freedom He offers, that's the way home. Because we cannot control our health. We cannot make our spouse's anger subside. We can't make our children choose compassion. But we can live our trust and Love for Jesus out quietly each step along the way. We can pray, for the hearts of the ones we love most. We can trust, that they are personal to Jesus too. And that He can accomplish in them, what a perfect bill of health never could. His ways are higher than your ways. Let Him author the souls of your family. Let Him art the ugly things, so that glory is all that remains. Because He is good. Always.

Even your broken skin, is a tapestry. Even your aching internal,  is a canvas. Ask Jesus to make Himself portrait in your life.  Let Him Psalm 139 your heart today. Wait for Isaiah 45:3. Because on this hard path, maybe Gen. 28:16 is true after all. 

Hang in there. He alone is worth the fight.

13.5 years. This us.

We were young. 21 and 22. 

This resort, these moments. You telling me you wanted to tell me a secret. So we walked the grounds as the Jazz played live. 

I had been coming here, coffee in hand, just to listen to jazz, for years. I watched couples in love, families on vacation, and waitresses serve smooth like the notes all about them. This place was romantic to me. Even before I "knew" you.

But that night... It was different. I did know you. As a friend, indeed as the only one I had ever loved. You took me to dinner here, not even knowing it was my favorite place. You, it seems, had a secret to tell. So we walked. And each place I suggested to sit, you would analyze a bit flustered. 

You.

 So young and entirely handsome, and ever weakening to my knees. This nervous, wonderful you!

Then that fountain. Way up high... In the raised walkways and gardens above. You were satisfied with it. And now I know why. Because now I know you so well. You love the secret of love. The beautiful,  just you and I, of love. And that place... It was above the bustle, tucked away, a safe space for our "us". 

I love the secret of us too. The holy space that only we may enter. The incredible of His love, in "us" exclusive. How I cherish this part of you years later... So this place you chose then, to ask me if I would... It was perfect.

You kneeled and I reeled. We laughed, and I said yes. Always yes.

                                ( Then )

                              ( Now )

The years we have shared have not been fairytale. They haven't been predictable. And they certainly haven't always been easy. We have walked hard roads. And how could we know then that the hard roads are the loom on which love's tapestry is made.

You and me. 

When three babies went home...

When jobs were lost...

When family troubles made us bleed...

When moves were made...

And expectations were crushed and hopes were lost...

When your young bride was demanding, self seeking, and lost...

When disagreements took our sleep in late night hours....

When you worked so many hours we felt exhausted and lonely...

When we looked scared into one another, and chose the counseling seats.

Love isn't easy.  It can't be. It is fought for, and won, again and again... Because love is more then diamond cut and size. More than how he proposed and what she wore. It's deeper than public affection, and weekend getaways. 

Love is a choice. It's being in love with loving, because Jesus loved us first.  Its giving that, and living that, even when you feel numb. Numb from trials done unto you. Numb from exhaustion, disappointment, and pain. Numb from it just being stinkin hard sometimes.

So being back at this resort tonight. 13.5 years later? Holding your hand as we walked to the place where you " told me your secret" with a ring... Sitting beside you there now... Like this... Smiling and joking about our youth...About how we have changed... Well, it's just been perfect. 

Perfect because we aren't. And we are ok with it. 

There has been this growing. This becoming ok with the other seeing us raw. Nakedness of soul and spirit. And in this place, choosing to be there for the other. Never entertaining the thought of quitting, and clinging to the power of promise. You and me. Being ok with showing our ugly, our deepest needs, and most shameful fears. And what we have found? 

1 Corinthians 13. That Gods love is the most romantic love. The most enduring and fulfilling love. The strength to stay in love and be love to each other.

Not the video store, movie screen, scripted love. But rather the kind that goes so deep it aches within the whole of you. An echo of His eternal promise. The slow blooming of Gods reward for the staying.

 

                           ( Then )

                               ( Now )

 

In the hard things, the scary times... It can be hard to see. But each time we have pushed through together...coming out onto the other side of the thing... He has been there. Giving us the deeper, fuller, more passionate. 

No couple can make love without Jesus Christ. That's the real raw of it. 

And how we have been learning the true of this the last 13.5 years. And would we want it any other way? I can see the answer in your every smile, kiss, and held hand.

Marital love is best when both realize they can't without Jesus. Us coming to the knowing that we are simply not enough. That bedroom passion ends if it doesn't have a reason beyond hormones and expensive jeans. That soft smiles, side winks, couch cuddles, and testimonies are born from the deep working out of Jesus Christ personal inside our selves and then given away.

                            ( Then )

                              ( Now ) 

So this looking back and looking in? It has been like warmth to me. Because baby, we are doing it. We have known the true of needing help, and the savoring Grace of His always coming. Day in and day out. In sheer happiness, and through tormenting hard. God is good. And we are "us" because He is.

I, my sweet lover, have loved each moment of you. Each season of learning, and messy grappling forward. I wouldn't trade a day. I wouldn't change a moment... Because saying yes to you has let me know what indescribable love is. With a personal God, and with you...my dearest friend. It has shown me what deep gifts are buried in the hard things. How art takes time, thought, and a settled spirit.

                       

                     ( The beginning )

Love is a journey. It comes softly and quietly each time you lay down your life in the mundane everydays. It's in the endless rubbing away my migraines, and notes in lunches made at midnight. It's in grieving the loss of our children, and in crying because we don't know how we are gonna make it out of the hard. It's in dirty dishes and cleaning carpets. Support given in the 60 hour work weeks, and going crazy mom days. It's in the courage I find when I hold your hand. In making romance when we can't find a sitter...again. Lol.  It's in the determination. 

Love is the greatest. His word tells us that. And marriage gives us a chance to know it. Thank you for giving me this gift Love. For letting me know God like this, and you like this. It has been the greatest joy of my life.

Marriage is my favorite art to witness. God makes such incredible tapestry's of testimony. And I love to hear His stories. It's encouragement to keep up the good fight. To push through and KNOW that Jesus will come and save the day. All of us in this privelege tell His story. This way He loves us, the church. Each time we forgive, love anyway, or lay down what we want. 

If your a bride or groom 1, 13.5, or 50 years in.... Stay. It's worth it. 

I for one, would love to hear your story. 

Boy Size Grace

I hated to be forced when I was a child. Forced into a fear, looking for its cure. My dad thought this would work. So I was made to attempt this backwards stab at overcoming, and often. 

Roller Coasters? 

Hate them. But had to go on a few to push through fear... 

And those "Lap" pool drains...the ones waaaay down there? 

I had to swim down and touch it three times...

It's not that my dad was mean, he wasn't. He was my buddy growing up... It's just that he struggles with fear too. And no one taught him how to beat it. So he did the best with me he could. Isn't this true of all us parents? 

The thing is, it didn't get me over fear. It built habits of anger, guilt, distrust, and shame in me. Especially when I came out on the other side of these attempts...you guessed it...still afraid! 

It took me years to realize I wasn't afraid of dying on a roller coaster. Nope. Never crossed my mind. I just hate that falling feeling! And that whole realm of thrill seeking rides, is so not what I call fun. What showed up as fear,  was actually just a personality bend buried a bit deeper. Pool drains made me panic with my long hair, because I had heard that story once. And that girl didn't make it. So why would I risk the tangle? But sometimes as a kid, you can't discern all the whys yet. And being forced to cuddle up to a fear, doesn't heal you at all. It just makes you feel ashamed and confused even more. So why this story now?

My son. He is just like his mama. And I love that about him. Not because I am great, but because I can relate. And experience is an incredible tool.

He had the last minute camp opportunity with our church this week. Strings of grace were pulled to get him in past the deadline. He was nervous. So nervous. See most of my little man's friends, are girls. Most of the cousins he spends time with, are girls. We have not planned this, it's just what our friends seem to be birthing! Lol. All that to say... He doesn't have many sleepovers. And he rarely is away from home at night...period. So the fact that he said yes to a five day camp?! Fabulous!

He called me a mess the first night. The dorm rooms were hot, kids were snoring, and his mind wouldn't turn off. He felt so alone and afraid. I talked him thru... And he gave it a shot, finally falling asleep at 1 Am. But by the next day he had the fear flu. The kind that anchors into your emotions so real, you can't figure out what is an accurate compass or not. He tried loving on the kids who seemed shy, playing with the friends he had made so far, and trying to think desperately of anything but bedtime again that night! Poor kid. I felt like I was 11 again. As if i was right there and could feel the horrible turmoil.

I had been thinking about what might happen since the call at midnight the night prior. I knew his tender heart mattered, no matter what my adult logic says. I knew my dads method with me didn't work at all. I also knew that Jesus had a lesson here. A personal one for my son. So I asked for wisdom and help. I am glad I did. Because when that call came the next day, I knew peacefully what to do.

Pick him up and let him come home.

Now at this point in my post, many parents are thinking, "what? She bailed him out?" I know. Weird right? I can read your mind. Lol. But here's the thing, not all kids thrive by being pushed. And if you have a tender hearted "Relater" in your home, you may be following me here. Some kids need to know they are loved when they "just can't". They need to know that they have a place even when they fail. That shame isn't what they have to carry when they give their best but still don't end up "on top". 

What was important to me as a mama, was that my boy realized he had a safeplace in his parents, when in his mind, he missed the mark. This is huge. Because life is hard. And there are so many ways to fall. And when those times come to my son...or when he makes that bad choice... I want him to see, that if mom and dad can be trusted with his fail, so can Jesus. That there really is an  unconditional love that stays. Even when we have to bail out early. Miss the mark. Or flat out go splat!

So, as i let God wander thru my thought process, I knew! This would call out my son's courage, and deny his shame. Because telling my sweet boy I was proud of him trying this...That he conquered a little bit more of a hurdle in his heart... That he chose bravery, even if for one night out of four... This would call out what really mattered, and put down what didn't. And in doing this, he would remember the hope he was given and feel a bit braver the next time around. Because knowing you have a place to fall safely, can make you sprout wings. It puts another little root in the ground of a growing Oak tree. 

Love does that. It is listed by God Himself as the greatest. It endures, and comes back bearing the impossible things. Things like Bravery. Compassion. Gumption. Gratitude. Respect. Understanding. And a strong Discerning heart. These are traits i cannot put into my kids, but i can call them out. If I slow enough to let God untangle my habits and my agenda. God gives me these moments. This week? Yeah. I am so thankful I saw this.

Popular parenting doesn't cast out fear, love does. 

Jesus said so. He didn't say it would happen by pushing an expectation on my son,  making him into the image "man" I saw in my head. He said love does the irradicating! Amazing isn't it? What seems in a moment to some, as raising a sissy, can contain  within it, the upside down kingdom of God! Man I love this. It is hope to my Mama heart this week.

I am no expert. I never will be. I have no secret method, or high opinion implied here. It's just that...well...

I had it wrong, for a long time. Because I worry too much about what people think. Leaning  into other people's opinions on what I should do with my son...before I even consider asking God what He desires. I worry about not being a good mom like described in that christian book. And I certainly ponder way too often what both sets of our parents are thinking! But guess what? My sons soul is worth more than that. And if I want to give him Jesus and all the strength and manliness the gospel truth holds... I have to let go of a prototype, and constantly ask Jesus for wisdom.

No child is the same. They have different environments, parents, and challenges. For instance...My son has so much courage it humbles me. What he has faced with his parents, frankly, has been unfair. But this is not the kind of courage a camp counselor in West Central Kansas will see... Not if they weigh him against a prototype. This boy has faith I am convinced could move mountains. And it has been this faith that has kept his mama fighting the good fight on my dark health days. He has the tenderness needed to see the least of these... A strong tenderness that chooses the disabled or lonely as a companion on playgrounds. I could go on. As you could, I am sure, about your sweet ones. :)  My point is simply this. Strength and bravery don't always look like the kid who stays at camp five days without any fear. Sometimes it looks like the kid who tried. 

My son. Your son. The son of Mr. Whomever down the block... They are amazingly different. Their weaknesses to challenge won't be the same. So their overcomes will look different. And as parents, we need to stay away from pressing them into the cookie cutter of what would "impress" and "success" as they grow up. Instead would should seek out the help of their Designer.  Their color hues are not a mistake, and each canvas has its own message. God intends our children for something. And if we want to lead them into thriving within this design, we need help. Desperately. 

 

We need divine intervention! Ha!

I don't want to force my son to beat fear, by making him miserably stumble through it to please his parents. I want to incourage my son to challenge himself to trust in Gods endless love and leading. And in this instance, his parents' mercy and arms of grace told him that story. A mom who drove that hour to pick him up, opened that car door with a smile, and let him know just how proud I was of his try.  

 

We will need to let Jesus settle our hearts over and over if we are to remember what really matters. To have Him make clear to us how to teach and call out in our kiddos what He intends for them. Sometimes down to the moment. The other option is more bleak. Raising kids to be what society calls strong, attractive, out going, liked, popular, powerful, and valuable...can just lead us to raise a  bunch of confused adults with no anchor.  And frankly, I want to give my kids more than that. God help me. 

I want to be an asset to what God's building in my son. I want to have a front row seat to the beauty of Jesus' personal plan in my children's lives! This will require the constant acknowledgement that I cannot raise these children alone. I pray I am wise enough to know I am endlessly limited, and hopelessly in need of daily grace. And only with my Saviors discernment will I raise two strong, kind, and gracious people who love the Lord. 

So. If you are feeling lost as a parent lately... Worried your not "hacking it"... 

It's ok. 

You were never meant to raise them alone. 

Breath. :) That's what I am learning to do.  My bravery will fail, but God won't. That's my gift today...And man am I thankful.