Beggar For Love

This horrid burning in your chest. This constant knowing that you are of the unwanted. This suffocation of never knowing where to turn or what to do. You are a disappointment. A hopeless failing. And how...how to you find an identity when these voices press at your back? Like a black storm ready to swallow you at any moment. They hiss. They nag. They oppress. 

"You are not wanted."

"You are a mistake."

"You are an embarrassment."

" You are his shame."

"You are pain."

" You are a horrible reminder of what went wrong."

"You are unloved."

So she fights her way alone. Trying to earn love. Trying to earn a kind glance, even if just for a moment. Work hard. Stay quiet. And bear the beating. 

This was Ruth's reality. This was her shredded heart.

What does it mean to be a girl, a girl in South Asia? To be born beautiful and seen as an ugly curse... To never know what God intends in the breath of female? 

What is it like to be born with hatred as your caretaker, disgust as your nurse? When warm arms and the soft words of a mother are no where to be found... When your Father's chest doesn't swell with pride, but boils with rage. 

You were supposed to be a son! 

The words "supposed to be" can be so suffocating. Because we can't change our design. We can't run far enough to change our own outcome. But we will bloody our souls trying. Because it hurts to walk alone and unwanted. It hurts to wonder if all they say is true. 

"Am I a mistake?"

Questions unanswered, in a soul searching, can suffocate. They can take life out of the living. They can torture us into submission. Submission to all these lies and into this stalking darkness. And when a soul loses hope it lets it's guard down and stops trying. It gives in to abuse as norm. To hopelessness as your story.

Girls not bringing there dad money. Girls who can't help their dad provide for the other siblings... This often leads to abuse at the hands of the father... And worse often at the hands of prostitutional depravity. Age doesn't matter, money does. 

Desperation.

To be viewed as a curse. A disappointment. A piece of meat to be used any way possible to put food on the table... What do you tell this girls soul? How do you speak to her agony? How can you tell her she brings a smile to Gods face... That He does have a plan for her... That darkness, shame, fear, and agony are not normal?

You can. Get involved. Gospel for Asia rescues and renews girls and women in South Asia... They bring them out of bondage and into Hope by introducing them to Jesus Christ. 

The gospel for Asia team sends pastors out as well as groups of trained Women. These brothers and sisters in Christ get their hands dirty and open their hearts wide to the least of these... They don't turn their eyes from the ugly of depravity and hopelessness. They. Go. In. They enter houses of shame and bring 

Hope. You can be apart of this. 

You can whisper to the lonely..."You are not alone."

You can reach out and rescue the desperate...

" You were made for more than this."

You can fund the hands and feet God has placed there for such a time as this... For these girls...right now. By your prayers. By not closing your eyes. And perhaps with your wallet.

Girls whose fathers kick their face when they ask for mercy. For love.

Please watch Ruth's story: 

http://www.gfa.org/videos/player/3233326089001/

Girls who hunker down and bear up, trying to figure out what is true about them.

Women are not a commodity. Girls are not a mistake. They are made in the image of God and have divine design and purpose.

Will you help us tell them? Can you help us seek them out, hold their faces in our hands, and tell the true...  

" You are loved."

" You are chosen."

"You are wanted."

Ruth was given this moment, and it changed her life. Love does that. Because Jesus is that. How many more women could be redeemed?

There is not a person on this earth that God hasn't attended their birth. There is not a person born who is not full of purpose. Not one born that Gods wills to perish. His blood was shed for all of us. His love waiting for each and every wandering soul. Please check out Gospel  For Asia's web page and ponder getting involved.

There are these girls. These women. And there is you. Collision despite miles?

Could be.

Check the facts. Let's all let our American Dream scales fall. Maybe it's time we all wake up.

http://www.gfa.org/women/overview/

 

Odds Aren't Good

Maybe today you are weary. Maybe today you wonder if the condition of your blind and tired soul is permanent. Like the whole of people around you have found grip and smile, but you... You can't seem to find peace. For you today... For you... Just you. Listen slow to this true.

The odds aren't good, But God is.

God is.

So what if that thing on your mind is too much. Let it be that. Let it be way too much to take on. Way to much to achieve. Way beyond your ability to overcome. Being alone, lost, and weak is this holy place where beauty begins.

The times when everywhere you turn and more hard falls... The days where you feel thankful you get a break and can crawl into bed and let go...  You are not alone. 

These seasons of pain. Of difficult circumstances. Of indescribable grief. They matter. They matter to our very personal, and very watchful Jesus. I know it feels like you have no one to turn too. Like all your avenues have been shut. That there is this ache to just be held by someone who can whisper caring into your forgotten heart. It hurts to clamour for help and find downcast eyes and busy schedules. It increases your inner scream to be remembered, heard, and seen. Truly seen. Even here, Jesus stays. Even here He doesn't anger that we ache for human hold. Because He lived it. He lived loneliness and betrayal. He lived the hard things, the rejection things, the depressing push through it things. And the beauty and comfort here? He knows we are...but dust...  He knows we are weak. That dust can't muster muscle. 

So He has become our voice.

So let the inner scream fall. Let the eyes endless looking for kindness...for the noticing.... Let them close. Maybe it seems impossible. But just stop spinning and talk to Him. He knows how hard feels. He knows how deep hurt feels. He knows how betrayal feels. He knows how crushing realities feel. He is not a stranger to torture. And He isn't a stranger to you. To your bleeding soul.

So talk to Him. He can unwind your confused, and calm your angry storm. In ways you and I cannot fathom... He can. He just can. 

And You... If you feel your greatest fear rising up... This fear that you won't feel His company. That you won't be able to touch real His friendship, His nearness... It's ok. You can tell Him that too. 

Agony is always a place to start.

See this horrid raw. This presenting to Him the great depths of our ugly... It's an inner door. It's easy to talk to Jesus about the weather you are thankful for. About the money you need provided by Tuesday. But this? This deep, ugly, bleeding raw? This is the inner door to the real of you. The very heartbeat of your persona. The rhthym of your soul... And when we meet Jesus in agony's threshold, we heal deep. Because what's the point of surface cleaning when the mud underneath keeps bubbling up. Why seal a cut with saav when the infection still festers. Agony is always a place to start...healing.

I know you want to run. 

This " let's run away and not come back for awhile"...  And sometimes a retreat is the right thing. But You... Just make sure it's a retreat that happens with Him first. That your soul has stilled at the feet of Jesus before it runs to the mountains. Because even the most beautiful of places can't cleanse a soul. 

"You who seek God, let your heart revive. For the Lord hears the needy, And does not despise His who are prisoners." ~ Psalm 69:32b-33

Take joy in knowing He doesn't scoff at your messiness. He doesn't look down on you for not knowing how. Instead He hears you. He does not despise you, even when you are in prisons made of bad decisions or unjust affliction. Prisons of pride, a crushed spirit, or just too much trial at once. So it's ok to cry out raw. No need to compose what you have been at a loss to control.

" O God, do not be far from me; O my God, hasten to my help!" ~ Psalm 71:12

Mostly. I just wanted to come tell you. That today, it's gonna be ok. That even when no one else gets it, God does. That its ok to hurt and have to sit for awhile. To let your hands hang limp, and your soul cry. I wanted you to know...Jesus genuinely, deeply, and endlessly loves you.

That room your in right now... It's not empty. He is waiting. Kneel and say it. All of it. Let go of what burdens you thick. He will give you rest.  Let your longing be quenched with what it really yearns for... Jesus.

You. Are. Loved. Much.

 

Dear Crowd

Dear Crowd, 

I have to ask you to leave now. I know I invited you in here, one by one. I know I have spent hours contemplating with you. Discussing decisions with you. Crying because of you. But this party has to be over. The decorations of "too much" and "hopeless future" must come down.

See I have only one mind. I have only one soul. Only one passion to live. And I don't want it to be tangled in you any longer. You with your voice dressed as my own. With your words cloaked in twisted truths. You, posing wise through problem contemplations, and well thought out action. 

I am letting you go.

You can no longer pose as what will get me acceptance. You are no longer welcome as my means to heal. You. Cannot. Save me.

I am amazed to see you clearly now. Posing as emotion. Wisdom. Discretion. And even Spiritual thought. I never would have let you in had I seen how you multiply trouble.

You see, dearest Crowd in my head... I belong to Someone else. He is a King. I have belonged to Him all along. It's just I forgot my soul only has one throne. And Crowded head? It doesn't belong to you.

  My mind is His. 

And each "you" I let in through little thoughts and small control attempts has begun to crowd my view. This simple view of what is true. Him. 

Crowd? He came and knocked again last week. On my worn, hopeless heart. On my tired, tangled soul. On my too full mind. I am sure you heard His knock. It silences all else, and reverberates long. His very voice can strip forests bare. He knocked to strip you. 

He knocked to free me.   Again.

I answered Him. And as I poured my weary burden out upon Him, He accepted my heavy with the kindest eyes. With mercy's hands. 

Crowd, if your so helpful to my mind, why do you deplete me? But He fills me? I weighed you against Him... And you may look more real by emotion and trial realities...but you weigh too much. You require too much soul space. Too much minds eye. You are too much earth.

I asked you dozens of times to give me more room. More space. I need air! But you never cared. Your true colors to rob me, coming out more and more. I can't seem to fight you off. You have so many "good points" and all encompassing emotions posing.

But Jesus still Saves His own.

He told me what defeats you. What changes everything. What gives Him back what is His. Simple, clear, words of power.

"Jesus. I surrender."

"Jesus I need You. More than answers to my agonies. More than perfection, affection, and    acceptance. More than a road map to foretell. Or an expectation fulfilled. 

I. Choose. You.

You are King of this soul. Guidance to this mind. And Lover to this heart. You are the answer to my "when", and to my "how".

I can do nothing apart from You.  

You are my LOVE coming and never leaving.

You are my HOPE above all predictions.

You are my SONG above all noise.

You are my COUNSEL.

You are my WAY through.

You are my TRUTH holding steady.

You are the only way to LIFE.

Welcome. Because with You... I am whole."

" Therefore, behold I will hedge up her way with thorns, And I will build a wall against her so that she cannot find her paths. And she will pursue her lovers, but she will not overtake them; And she will seek them, but she will not find them. Then she will say, I will go back to my first husband, For it was better for me then now!"  ~Hosea 2:6-7

"Thank you Jesus.  "

What lovers do we pursue for hope, acceptance, worth, and knowledge over God? Money... Friendships...Church activities... Fitness... Romance...Health...an Agenda?

Without Jesus on our heart throne, they crowd. They become toxic.

Jesus hedged up my way to bring me back home. To give me the gift of CPR...Christs Power Ruling. And while that may sound corny... It's incredible! Restored air...Life!  And I know, I will need CPR again and again until I am finally at home in heaven. This jolting reminder that I need Him. But He is just that kind. Always this calling, to let us return. 

He is God. We are not.

Oh friends, may I ask... Whose ruling you?

A Crowd Clearing

I have always loved the very word "Simplicity". There is hope and air in its makeup. It stands tall for both seeing the little things and for clarity of thought and purpose. It's one of my favorite words. 

Words. The ones we love most. Want to know something? You will usually struggle with the opposite of them. We love words we long for.

Its like a call really. Like we love words that speak something we crave. Something our soul, indeed, needs. And if you want to research your core, test it. What words do you love? Start with just one. I have found this leading me to seeing things. Praying things.

For months I asked Jesus to help me calm. To show me how to live simple. And for the past three years I have prayed, " Jesus, keep me of the seeing." Because what I love doing is also a struggle. I love seeing all the ways He loves. Recording them with pen, and saying thanks. But I have to keep this prayer on tongue, because I thicken so quickly. With worries, thoughts of what others think, self condemnation, and to-dos. And when my mind gets thick, it gets hard to breathe. And when I can't breathe, I go blind.

  I hate the dark.

It's amazing isn't it? What a word can reveal about our heart. Calling. Soul goals. 

I have lived for so long with a crowd in my head. This is what I know. I need space. Wide open space. It's one of the top reasons Jesus brought me to Kansas. It's vast here! Earth stretches out long until it kisses sky. Sunsets can be seen wide and full. Wind, strong and free, blows endlessly across these plains. It's gorgeous. And It's home. And though it's not for everyone, I know why I needed it. Jesus brought me here... To this open space that breathes...and stripped down the lies I thought about Him. About who I was. About where value comes from. Distractions had to leave. I had to come into this open space to see. The thick had to be thinned. It's apparently how my soul learns best. 

 So I rocked on a porch for hours. This city girl unable to sit still. I was used to noise. Crowds. Being known. I knew boundaries... Of the city, Of the people I knew, Of what I thought I could do. The irony? I had no idea who I was. Who He was. So He took me out, and set me down on the vast Prairie. This seemingly boundless place. I watched birds and found that I like becoming part of the quiet.  I sat out in the rain, watching Kansas skies build all Cumulous with God power. I cried under barren Winter trees and honking Canada geese. In essence? I began to simplify. 

It should come as no shock to me that He keeps having to clear my spaces. I really have a call on my life, to stay simple. What muddles my mind, muddles His voice. And that simply won't do. 

So the past few months have been tough. They have been thick with trials and hard things. Realities that seemingly trap and lack answer. All of them mangling and intertwined. Like discarded barb wire all balled and rusting. My mind was so full. I can't describe to you the level of my exhaustion. Here I was again. Blind. Craving air.

Let the thinning begin! 

My crowds? Oh, lots of things really. All of ours will vary. From health to hurts. Family tumult or maybe people in general. Fiances, curve balls, old joys coming to an end, new environments, or old things that just won't let go... On and on the hard can go...

And our crowds in the head aren't always circumstantial. In fact let's add the less obvious. Like perhaps...

What our family thinks...

What our friends think...

What our church may think...

What can I do to fix...

How can I change...

What if this...

I wish I wasn't so...

How do I become more...

What if God...

Our crowds can be this horrid mixture of hard realities and endless internal voices. Result? A vortex of terror!! Lol

And when we weigh it against this craving for peace... The void between suffocates.

Jesus is so Love. He is so determined. And I am the humble benefactor. I fill my life with control issues and bad habits, and He gently unwinds me. God of my whirlwinds and swallowing storms. I melt under His kind wing. Jesus savors the coming back sons and daughters.

Often though, before we come back, we have to come to the end. The end of trying to fix what He wants broken. The end of trying to be APART of our own answer in every problem. The end of finding worth in what we have, or what we think people value us for. The end of people being first and God being second.

It's not pretty. And it's certainly not fun.

This road is lonely. When we are used to crowds...the ones we like, and even the ones we don't... Being asked to come away can be agonizing. The Lord wants to take a walk with us. This glorious unwinding of soul. This untangling into what really matters. But the noise has to be stripped. And the life has to be thinned. Because God has to be heard. Deeply heard.

I have found that in this process, one of the greatest things I face is the question. The one that affects everything. 

"Will He?"

Will He leave me alone with all my loneliness? Will His voice be loud enough to cut through my inability? Will He be there for me when others can't or won't? Will He come through and make something good like He promised? Will He love me when I am lost and ask the ugly things?

This is where we have to pick up the sword. Because the enemy has already entered camp. And friend...he is snarling. satan wants you to question God's goodness, His character, what He has said. Because if he can get us to do this, we won't walk that dusty road. We won't take Jesus' hand and walk away from the crowd. The enemy is always in the tangle.

But. There are secrets. 

Secrets waiting for you. Treasures that are hidden. Glories wrapped up all gift. Awaiting those who take off their shoes and walk the dusty ground. The seemingly un-paved, un-traveled, no destination road... This road is the secret. 

" And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth of secret places, in order that you may know that it is I, The Lord, The God of Israel, who calls you by name." ~ Isaiah 45:3

Yup. It's dark. And all you have to "go on" is that gentle voice asking you to come. The voice that says you are not alone. The voice that promises, " I. Will never leave you. Nor forsake you." 

We are faced with seperation. From the crowds in our head or from Jesus treasures. Because let's face it, our souls cannot have two masters. We are not made to have more than one lover. What our soul makes love too, is what we worship. This isn't crass. This is raw true. And I am guilty of the attempted double grip. This strive to have people esteem me and yet have the feet of a disciple. But it always ends me in tangle. It always ends in loss and a heightened call to simplify. 

To go back to my First Love.

We all want to be anchored deep. To be strong and confident. Who wants to stay battered and tossed by the wind? You? Oh... Maybe now You feel confident and strong...because your actually holding your life together quite nicely. But know this. He says we live, and move, and have our very being because of Him. So you may be balancing your scales famously at present, and you may be keeping all your balls juggled in rhthym. But if He even stopped thinking about you for a moment, you would die. So who is really in control? There will come a day, perhaps many different days if your like me, in which He will whisper you these truths. He will talk to you like He did to Job in Job 38-40:5. ( a must ponder )

Because He loves us.  So, we all must know.

Jesus is what holds. Absolutely nothing can "be" without Him. And well, applying that to a life? Well...lets just say it blows a soul wide open. And not in the empty horror your flesh imagines. But rather in a strange comfort. This comfort in knowing you aren't in power. That you can be a mess and the world won't fall. You can be weak and love won't end. 

Surrendering to One... It's the back road. But it's the road of secrets. The road of treasures beyond measure. The undoing of all false security, and the coming Hope of the One thing that will never fail. 

"Jesus". 

This name like airs whisper. "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus." Just hear it softly. The name that awakens the essence of fullness, hope, and a future. An actual future for you that real! And it doesn't end badly. He died to make sure it wouldn't. 

So you know... Maybe that dusty road that none of your crowdies is on... Maybe it's time you take it. Maybe, like me, you want more. More than what people say about you... More than what you say about yourself... More than your fears...

More than your limitations....  Maybe, like me, you just want more Jesus. More of this hope that speaks of treasures and hidden wealth.

Take off your shoes. Walk away. Because whose soul doesn't want to come home...

Love Beyond Our Grid

We wanted chicken. Nuggets from Chick-fil-A  to be specific. And we had seen a sign. Easy off, easy on. Right? No. I now have one word for you.

Birmingham.

Downtown Birmingham. If you look on a map, it looks like a spider web. And at its center? Chicken. Or so we thought. Children in back seat hungry and vocal. Me and sis up front with GPS. Confident. Ok, semi-confident.

I know you are already guessing it. But let me tell you creatively the assumption that we got lost. Oh, and we did. The first GPS address led us to a "one way" street chick-fil-a. Which was also a closed chick-fil-a! 

Re-computing. Well I hope so Lila. Yes, I name nameless things. And if I am going to be yelling, uur no...talking to my GPS, clearly she needs a name! 

At this point, we laugh a bit. One way streets are not this country girl's thing. Give me a Combine taking up the road and I will assume the ditch till it passes... But one way roads? No thank you. Sis programs next nearest address, and we continue on. In this pursuit of the best nuggets on the planet. 

Dear. Dear Lila. She has issues. We began to realize the depth of her need when the second Chick-fil-a she found apparently shares an address with a large  Presbyterian church!! The following is our reactions...

As we stood there trying to figure out if the Presbyterian church had a drive thru window, we got into a fit of giggles. 

Why Lord, are we lost, in a senseless search for chicken? And Lord.... Where is the freeway we got off of?

I am thankful my sis is a good sport, and an amazing car travel buddy. We have the best of times... In the car! This isn't our first rodeo... So we get out the camera and the jokes and we overcome hunger with laughter!

So why might you ask am I telling you all this? Well. Because I was lost in a grid. A spider web of roads, that though I am sure had purpose, were a tangle of frustration and emotion for this Kansas girl. Here's what I know. Grids don't scare God.  In the midst of our lost, searching, chicken crazed minds... There was Jesus. For as we sat at a stop light, I happened to look up to my right. And He spoke. Just like that. 

Not to my vanity. Not to my wishes. Not to my fleshly need for compliments. He spoke to the core of me.

See just that morning I had told my sis that I wished I could believe my husband and God, when it came to my body. My sweet man is always telling me how lovely I am.  He tells me that I am beautiful the way Jesus formed me, the way He chose me in design...  And God tells me too. In psalm 139, and in personal words as I stand skeptic at the mirror. 

I am a full figured woman in a skinny obsessed culture. I am curve in a straight lane. A round about in a world of stop signs. And it seems no matter how well I eat, work out, drink a ton of water, and take supplements... This is me.  So I struggle with two voices. The world's, and my Jesus. Him in my deepest soul, and in my husband's adoration. And I ask myself often. If my Gods opinion isn't enough, and my husbands attention isn't  satisfying me full...what is this really about? Sadly... It's about me. Me wanting acceptance. So I get lost in a world of comparison and lies. If your a woman? Yeah. I know you get me here.  It is tough. To believe. In a loud world.

So. Jesus turned up heavens volume. He lost me into Birmingham, to find me His message on stone.

" Look to the right baby girl, see what is true. My true.  How I see You."

I grab my sisters arm! " Take a picture! Take a picture!"

Our soul knows doesn't it? Those moments when His Spirit comes. Communing in the deep of us, with a message laiden with wealth and all heaven. 

You. Are. Beautiful.

That's when I realized that Jesus doesn't worry about how locked in "the grid" we are. How lost in the web we feel. His truth can always find us. Always. And it did.  I knew in a mere moment that holy just happened. That God heard the questions gnawing me that morning, and He answered.  In an obvious, loud, raw paint on brick moment.  I heard a voice louder than the magazine cover. Louder than the woman to my right or left. Louder than the TV, or the too small sizes at the store.  My God says I am beautiful. So. I am. 

And so are you.

What are your grids? What webs keep us strained from the real accuracy of Jesus Christ?

He doesn't get threatened by our mind webs. Our grid lock downs. But we, on the other hand, can nurture our grid organized, and keep ourselves from His touch. From His voice. How?

Doubt.

This fear that God won't come. This scared heart that Jesus won't be that personal. This fear that what He says about us may not be true.

 We cannot comprehend God outside our own understanding. So we set up a grid. Our attempt to assemble reason and logic to soul chaos. Because our mess needs some organization right? We have to stay poised and functioning. So we "grid cope"  our way through this unpredictable life.

I have lots of grids friends. Grids I have to challenge everyday. And the more I look at them, the more I realize... I don't believe Jesus can do, what I can't figure out.  Like...

Believing God will heal me like He said He would, when doctors say it's hopeless.

Believing He can heal relationships so tangled, I think cats would be afraid to touch that ball of yarn.

 Believing He will tell me what to do in the daily practical when I ask.

Believing He can raise my children when I am a mess.

Believing. That God is indeed personal.

                                ~ Oswald Chambers

There is this war. The flesh of us, living next to the real of us. Because faith, and all the true of Jesus is what is really true. And we have to choose daily if we are going to recklessly fall into the risk of believing Him. 

Believing Jesus.

Not trusting my carefully set up and all so logical grid, but instead, the person of Jesus Christ. 

So we spin. Fear thick like smoke and hearts pounding like the march of an enemy drawing near. Questions reverberating from the core of us. What if Jesus doesn't come? With His voice. With His help. With His answer. With His intervention... Because if He doesn't save me, I will die. Slow soul death left alive.

So I jump. Because throwing myself at His feet in surrender is better than death coming from the human of me. This habit of self counsel and internal analyzations. Because let's face it. We make ourselves toxically sick. Sick with all our grids and self helps. All our muscle-less attempts to sturdy and get through. Without a Savior, we will perish. And one of the worst ways to die, is this death of soul while alive walking. This hopeless living. This numb person who lives lost.

I had a moment this week. In the midst of writing this post. A crossroads of sorts. Calling out to Jesus in soul agony... And He said one word. Surrender.

This word usually invokes fear. This instant contemplation of what will be taken from me! I know you know what I mean. But this time it was different. I was ready. Because I literally felt all my ways, thoughts, and attempts were slowly poisoning me. This feeling of knowing your are not supposed to focus on the wall, while uncomfortablely pressed up against it. What?!!  

So I let go. On my knees and hands open wide. "Jesus. I can't do this anymore." I gave up the grid. Gave up my way of thinking that only led to more and more loss as days went by.  And Jesus didn't give me instant answers. He didn't tell me it would workout just so. He didn't make my ugly go away. But He released my suffocation, and gave me peace.

I ache to be whole. And Jesus is the only One who can heal that deep. He is the only one who can undo my messy, controlling, grid lock. He is the only One who can see clearly through the heart of Birmingham.

He is the only One who can restore us from captivity.

Psalm 126:4-6 says:

" Restore our captivity, O Lord, as streams in the South. Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."

We can sow our tears. We can sow our grapple. We can workout our trials with Jesus. Because He is the only way to restoration. 

You know. We finally found a Chick-fil-a. It was after we gave up, and got back onto that freeway. And when we got there, do you know what we found?

His word. Laid open.

The owners well worn bible. Laid open amidst condiments and napkins. Hope for those accepting.

And we did. 

Like a soul smile running deep. Hear this. Jesus always holds us. He can always lead us out of our Birmingham. His word, laid bare, always ready to feed the hungry.

Maybe it's time? Kneel and let go. You'll find there is air outside your minds web. That despite logic, there is hope in reckless falling.

He is still my Savior.

Mineral Life

It was a car accident. When I was nine. In a tunnel with my Mama. Rush hour and people pushing agenda's together all clash. They slammed on their breaks and we had no time. My Mama tried to save me. She veered as much as she could, but what do you do when your facing a wall? We spun three times. Our heads bashing together, then hard out to windows. I squeezed my eyes hard shut. That's where I met Jesus real. For the first time in my shattering innocent. He was in my Mama's voice. Over and over she brought as much safe and comfort as she could into that car...

" it's ok baby. It's ok baby...."

Jesus. In the love of a Mother.  Just like that. Always like that.

Shattering glass. Popping metal. Screeching echo, all tunnel. Then that jerk stop. 

" Mommy. My back! My back! I can't feel my legs. I can't feel my legs."

My Mama told me something in her died with those words. A Mother's love knows many agonies. I honor her brave. For that hard neither of us ever forgot.

That's the beginning of my health story. See... we didn't have insurance, so they sent us home. After thirty minutes in a brace, my toes and legs came back. There were medics that day. Medics that chose not to hassle with no insurance...and it changed my life.

Age 22. Chiropractor. 13 years in to this world of migraines. His question stopping me in my tracks...

" when did you break your back?"

Huh?

 I. Broke. My. Back. One vertebrae crushed and shattered...fusing down to half its normal size. I walked around with a broken back. Shards of bone next to a vulnerable spinal cord. But Jesus said no. Yes to an accident that changed everything, but no to paralysis. 

The chiropractor began explaining to me that that spot being shattered left my spine incapable of stability. It couldn't hold itself straight. So it curved. Like an S...  This is my migraine Story. 

So for almost 25 years now I have had many debilitating days. Many Agony nights. And countless challenges to believe God. To keep hope. And to stay tender and preserved from anger and all the "why's". I have been Ugly. Angry. Broken. And Growing. Always this growing. 

Growing to believe He allows things for good. Growing to love Him even when hard things don't change. Growing to know that I will be healed. One day. 

So I pray. A lot.

I cannot tell you how many roads desperation leads you down. Pills, treatments, theories, facts, doctors, scans, and endless questions unanswered. There is a reason they are now calling this Migraine Disease. I scoffed the first time I heard that when I was only two years in... They were just headaches after all. Right?  No. No.  I am comfortable with the disease term. It's accurate. Deeply accurate.  

So why this story today? Simple really.

Minerals.

Sometimes amidst our drowning in hard facts and endless searching, God takes us back to the bare essential. 

All those avenues of searching. Year after year after year. Some have brought some help, but never solid permanent hope. Sometimes living with the hunger is as bad as the disease. 

Help me. See me. Someone tell me it really will be ok. Tell me my children's memories of their Mama won't be all wound. Tell me my husband's heart will heal.  Tell me I am worth all this trouble, all these bills. Tell me that I am a blessing somehow? Tell me there is an answer. That there is Hope.

I have intimate, bone deep talks with God. I walk out my pain in tears with Jesus. I was the angry girl who felt He turned His back when I would agonize in the dark. But He has been kind enough to stay. To stay and teach me again and again...ever so gently. 

" I Am the Way. The Truth. The Life."

When it hurts to be awake, Jesus words matter. A lot. 

Over time and much soul work alone in the dark, I changed. I let go of anger and said hello to Jesus inside the agony moments. I asked Him to stay close to me. I told Him I still loved Him. Even here, amidst all my horror. I asked Him to help me through. I told Him I would believe, that I know my healing will come. 

I am healing in my soul. My soul spine will straighten as prelude to my bone redemption. A day I am quietly confident will come.

I share this because I have had a bad year. My migraines have come closer together, with a longer duration, and I have had an incredibly hard time stabilizing between episodes. And in my nightly kneeling before my Heavenly Friend, I have asked for help. The kind that begs hope and aid  if I am to survive. 

He simply said, " Minerals."

I am deficient. And our bodies cannot function without them. I will spare you the science in how the lack has crippled me...

I found the more I took this week, the more I have felt a change. A deep inside, physical grab. 

Dirt friends. Dirt! 

The life, that is aiding my ache, is found in dirt. And even as snow and water filter down the side of a mountain, Jesus let's these minerals stay in the droplets. And when I drink them, my very sinews find pieces of life itself. So I began thinking about that irony. 

Remember in the garden. All those thousands ago? Man. Created in the image of God. You and me...started from God's very breath...God air, blown soft...into dirt. 

Dirt.

So forgive my smiling fingers as I write. But Jesus irony tends to have this affect on my "in love" heart. You see, He was taking me back to the basics. Again. Taking me back to where I started. In the dirt. With Love wind blown into Adam skin...into My life. And now when I am tired and full of ache and question, I am given that whisper again. 

"Come to Me. You who are weary and Heavy laiden. I will give you rest."

But sometimes we get so lost in the search. The questions. The hunger... That we forget the Healer. We forget to talk to the One who formed our very being... And He, in this epic intimate kindness, takes us down. Way down. All the way down to the dust at His feet. 

So I kneel and so I see.  Jesus always opens the eyes of the humbled down. Being close to the dirt is the beginning. He has been raising us up from the dirt since that first day. He has brought life from our dust since Eden edge.   

I can't help but think how there is always this need for returning. We get caught up in the lofty details of our questions, hard facts, and empty longings. And Jesus, because He loves, brings us back again. To the basics. To the mineral true about this life. We started with Him, we are only sustained by Him, so we should seek Him first. From the deepest core of us. This call coming from our very makeup. Made from dirt low and Heaven High... When I get home to Him, I want to ask to see this moment replayed. In a Holy hush, full intimate... We. Became.

" Do not look anxiously about you, for I Am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

I have spent years anxiously looking about. This is a hard habit to break. We get scared. Waiting on an unseen God isn't easy. We think the new pill, new relationship, new job, or new distraction will change things... But we always end up hungry. Jesus loves us so much, He won't allow any imitations. He wants us to have the real thing. Him.

So there is this today. My Jesus gives me things that help. And in them I have known His love. Kind doctors, pills for pain, excercise that helps, and minerals that change my ability to stabilize... But only He can heal me. Fill me. Give me hope. And every now and again He loves me enough to remind me again. Go back to the basics. 

I used to hate this story. And don't get me wrong, I don't want to be sick. But I have a different perspective now. Jesus will use this. My health story is intimate to Him. My migraines and all these lessons learned in storm, are holy in His hand. And I respect that. Because I respect my Savior. 

Whatever your hard road is, go back to the basics. Don't anxiously look about you anymore. Muscle and bone need minerals to function the way they are designed. And when they don't get fed, they freak out and lose their ability to perform.  Our Souls are the same way. Designed to yearn, need, and savor our Maker. When we return to Jesus over and over, our souls  find health because our spirit gets fed. Basic Holy. And it shouldn't shock us that our bodies can follow. Holy Health is Jesus first, Jesus as hope, Jesus as the reason, and Jesus as the way.

Jesus is my mineral. He is my beginning and my end. He is hope health and high calling. He gives my worst days...worth. 

 

So go back to the basics.  Till its just you...And Him. Till you can hear the story told again and again. All through scripture...Heaven meeting earth...God always coming. For you.

Upheld and Home.

I am not a poet. I am just a raw writer. A silly woman wording out the mattering things. And this... This is for my babies waiting at Heavenly home. But mostly for that Ozark Mama, tucked away in mountain pass. The one with the bleeding heart, and the aching emptied womb. 

Sweet you... Silence the why.  Hear His song. Your baby is safe and He will hold them long. I love you. 

And to all you Mothers who have known this hurt... Know this. 

We didn't  "Miscarry". 

Nothing that lands in Jesus hands can be. We Upheld our babies. Upheld them to The Arms that hold promise. A promise we will heal and hold once again. 

    Bless you.  Each one.  He. Sees. You. 

        ~ To Each of My Little Three~

"My sweet little wanted One. One day Mama will come. And I will get to see your sweet face. You went home so soon. Before I could see your so soft skin. Before I could count your tiny fingers and chubby toes. Or trace your "so your daddy" face.

Do you have curls like daddy, eyes green and full of light? Or maybe you look more like your Mama.... With my silly squishy nose,  or wide with wonder heart.

Oh baby of mine. How I wish to hold you. And if I could for just a moment...before you would go home...what that I could sing into your tiny ear.  A song of love that would become river. An eternal brook. This sound of your Mama coming. I will always be coming...

Jesus holds you sweet baby. And that love of His? Its Mommy's home. In a way...Being with Him is being near me. So let Him rock you and sing you my wishing lullabies. Let Him play with your curls... or locks so straight... Telling you such stories! The stories of all His greats. Of how He made the flower, the water drop, and wings...  Orange skies, and Daisy petal...The sound of the Forrest, or the vast of His sea! And just maybe He will tell you about Mama too. The way my arms feel, the beating rhthym of my heart. Perhaps the Silliness about me...my bursting into goofy or my joy in naming the nameless things. How I would hold you and smell you at night... Singing you songs about His love, then tucking you in tight. Maybe He would tell you about the nicknames I love to make, and let you know the sound of your own. I hope He tells you how Mama loves... I hope He lets you know the rhthym of me. How Mama aches to say your  name. How even your short moments in my womb were this indescribable joy and promise. Like hopes warmth. How I loved to hold my belly before your tiny began to grow.  And how hard it was to let you go, before I got to kiss your nose. Does He tell you your brother and sister know your name? Or how your daddy and I always long for that day...

See heavens gates will open wide.... Bluebirds echoing my singing sigh.... The moment when I will run to you....and say " hi sweet baby, let Mama take a look at you!" I will brush soft your face and study your eyes...kiss those little palms and then throw you up high.... Hold you close and hum that song. The one maybe you have known all along? 

So cuddle in close to your Savior and Friend. And maybe, just maybe you'll know me in part. Because Jesus holds you and a piece of my heart."